I have a cat, a normal sized domestic short-hair that for whatever reason when he sits in your lap you are unable to move. It’s like fucking Thor himself put mjolnir in your lap and you are not worthy. So, so not worthy.

Do you own a cat? Because for whatever reason, whenever you have a cat on your lap, you have an overriding sense of obligation that means you are not allowed to move for ANY REASON until the cat and the cat alone decides to leave. Granted, at some point, after the appropriate amount of suffering, you move the cat,…

When I was living in New York I used to run with a moneyed crowd. One of the girls in our party circle that night, didn’t want to go to 40/40 even though we had gotten a VIP thing. She told us that Jay Z sexually assaulted her one night there, and she had bad memories. I was soo young and dumb dumb, I was like, “OMG…

You know how people in bad relationships will limp along through infidelity and deception, but will suddenly cry out “THE WAY YOU SCRAPED THAT FORK ACROSS THAT BUTTER EXEMPLIFIES WHAT I HATE ABOUT YOU AND I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, I AM LEAVING”? This idiotic piece of sub-fluff non-observational non-commentary…

My theory is usually that the black women were smart enough to GTFO before people started dying.

I also guess black women don’t make it through the apocalypse

You must have hit a nerve because there’s a tsunami of white tears in the grays today.

Is it that you don’t really know which one was on which show? That’s how it is for me. I can tell these two apart and I know which show each did, but there are plenty of other semi-lookalike dudes/gals out there that I confuse their names because I cannot remember which name did which show. I mean, I can most always te…

You also forget that a Tesla does not have an engine under the front hood, that is one or two more passengers right there.

Lotsa white people scare me more, like Baptists. Stereotypically violent, angry Russians can have their uses. I was in an Uber in Manhattan a few months ago, in a particularly nasty morning traffic snag. My driver, Eastern European of some persuasion (I thought I detected Russian in his utterings to himself, but maybe…

On My Block is outstanding. Jamal and Ruby’s Abuela are the Dynamic Duo that you didn’t know you had to have in your life

You don’t have to leave negative reviews for lettuce if you just stop buying it in the first place.

Even though it’s a controlled, safe environment, it would still send me into ‘Get me the f*ck out of here!’ panic mode. I’m sure I would have a tough time enjoying it.

are you using cheap soap? I found that I have to use name brand soap like Cascade or something to get the dishes actually clean as opposed to cheapo housebrand

How old is the dishwasher you’re using? I don’t even think I rinse most of the dishes I put in our dishwasher and they come out spotless.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wish I liked raw tomatoes. 

“oh my god he did the dishes, i’m going to fuck him” is not how most women think, imo

When my sister was a teenager, her girl scout troop went on a “mall hike,” so she quit and joined the Explorers to go river rafting.

Someone needs to fund a project where they hire Patrick Stewart to read all of the Jean-Luc Picard memes as if he means them.