Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the new University of Maryland football coach.

They really should have done a background check on that reporter before hiring him.

Co-signed.

The NCAA released a statement that the criminal charges against Bullock will have no effect on his amateur eligibility, because crime doesn’t pay.

Or for the rest of the season Aaron Rodgers would be sailing passes slightly over his head in an attempt to murder him

Not watching cable news is also an option.

Half your age plus seven is an almost fool-proof system for “How creepy is this older-younger relationship?” You’re 16? Below 15 is creepy. You’re 40? Younger than 27 is bad.  80 -> 47.  

As a lifelong pro wrestling fan, I am in full support of silly costumes and dressing up while performing feats of choreographed athleticism

Grabby too, I bet.

I bet he’s feeling pretty crabby

It’s so bad in Cleveland that even the Browns fired their coach!

Swap Arby’s with Joe’s Crab Shack and you’ve nailed it. 

How much would Washington fans be willing to pay to get Dan Snyder a helicopter?

Damn. They just took Jameis’s job without his consent. How awful.

It doesn’t help that “Johnny Hustle” Machado was blowing bubbles all the way down to 1st base. 

The ex-wife you’re so concerned about having opened your letter probably only had to do that because you were too busy... what with being out the house cheating on her and all.

The original movie was great and did not need an “adaptation”. I’m sure my take is new and has never been mentioned in connection with this film.

Well then tell me how do you cut a person in 8 equal parts? Huh? Didn’t think so.

For the kid with acne?

The "work" comment makes them sound like they don't care about her, only her earning power. Charming