Make sure Bart says, "Don't have a cow, man." When was the last time he said that?

Tucker Carlson or Pee-wee Herman?

I once bought a pretty good car in Chico.

I was going to say "being short" based on that pic above, but apparently both he and Karen Gillan are 5'10."

Plus everyone - no matter what your sexual preference - knows the sexiest person in this hetero rom-com is the gay best friend.

Stallone used to pull this trick as well, especially utilizing his smaller stature. He'd always play a soft-spoken, courteous guy who only fights when there is absolutely no alternative and the bad guys are always big, loudmouthed poor sports who like to bully people like it's still the eighth grade. As a kid, I…

I almost bought the whole run of Seinfeld for five bucks a DVD set at a nearby Salvation Army, but someone else got it.

You're obsessed with your kid going to a good college…and all the while you don't realize you're ruining his life because his fucking Little League game just isn't as important as the office work that allows little Skyler or Ashlynn to live in a nice house and go to a decent school.

Don't you love how they stack the deck in Sandler's favor in his movies by making pretty much everyone but Sandler and his buddies complete jerkoffs who like to taunt people like they're still in high school?

I also like how anyone who is a lawyer (except one who only does pro bono work) or an accountant or - God forbid - an executive is either evil and soulless or at least a miserable person disconnected from humanity and caring only about material possessions.

"This week on Happy Days: Fonzie (Henry Winkler) is afraid he's losing his cool."

Aren't you also Jewish, and pretty okay with it?

I was hoping you'd make some lame "roll/role" joke, like talking about when you played a dinner roll in the Lunchlady Land song.

Isn't that the one where he owns the most popular restaurant in town, and his hobby is writing unfunny greeting cards?

Don't you just love Movie Occupations? The mom writes crossword puzzles while the dad customizes cars for celebrities out in the old horse barn. Or the dad hosts a popular morning show whilst the wife is editor of the daily newspaper. Or the dad is a sportswriter with a popular column and the wife is a big-time…

Okay, let's cut the bullshit and just get right down to it: would you do the mother, the daughter, or both?

"But I can sing a love song…like the way it's meant to be"

Anyone else remember when the Batmobile looked fast and sleek, and not like some sort of tank?

I have to admit, The Man With the Golden Gun is the worst of the Moores to my mind, but it's still enjoyable compared to Licence to Kill.

Hell with it, I'll come. I haven't seen "The Last Unicorn" since it originally hit theatres (I think I was five), and I live less than two miles away. I'll be there.