Oh god, that photo physically makes me sick. Fuck her. You can have that lil’ bitch. 

I’m sure there are a lot of girls who are Playboy models SLASH random job titles. I was a playboy model slash drywall hanger. 

When I’m ready to break up with my boyfriend, I step back and evaluate and ask myself “when was my last period?” This all sounds very rational in writing. The reality is more like me stomping out of his house, sobbing on the couch, plotting his demise, and sending passive aggressive text messages followed by “I love…

You’re gonna get some hop-ons.

My “favorite” are the guys who complain about women breastfeeding in church. My man, if a woman feeding her child drives you to such distraction then you should do as the good lord says and gouge your own fucking eyes out (Matthew 5:29-30, for those interested). Too extreme? Then just mind your own damn business.

Of all the thoughts one should keep, warm and moist, in the most private areas of one’s mind, “I’d bang all four of my SILs” is right up there at the top.

Kristen hits this one out of the park. “But guise, guise, he had some really nice cars!” has been written over all the more significant and creepier aspects.

My wife never recognizes anyone. We’ve walked by really well known celebrities and I’ll turn to her and say something that like “Hey, that was Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick!” and she’ll look at me like I’m crazy.

Many years ago, a wise woman warned us that Brad Pitt was missing a sensitivity chip....

Wilson is corny as hell, but it seems to be an honest corny and not a put-on so why not leave the nerd alone? 

I love “people” names for pets. The more mundane the better, so Mark, Tina, etc. get my stamp of approval.

Bobby is my favorite John Early character.

That is a good and great baseball man right there. 

Right, in the words of Trudy Campbell:

Motherfucker, decide which way you want it before you sit down for a nine-hour interview. Daily Mail should ask for their money back.

Still think she should just 'give him a call' Bobby? Cutting that guy out of her life seems a very wise decision.

“‘Meghan got her attitude from her mother. Doria always told Meghan, ‘If they’re not doing anything for you, why should you do anything for them?’”

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter

I just heard him on this week’s “You Must Remember This” podcast! He also features in the book I’m reading right now (Lizzy Goodman’s “Meet Me in the Bathroom”). I’m been having a real Gideon Yago summer.

Demi Moore and Ed Helms