You ask the important questions.

Does he put a pasty over his sphincter or does the butt just get 0 coverage?

Marilyn Hagerty is still hotter than me, and I've come to terms with it thank you goodbye.

Some people thought Anthony Bourdain was trolling when he made friends with her, but I think he really loves her as much as I do. I want her to become besties with my grandma. Mine is British and no-nonsense so I think they'd make a really awesome team for a reality show on Food Network or something.

It's why I still drive stick. A screener for lameass men. If you can't parallel park my car on a hill without cursing or crying like a wuss, then you're not going to park anything else in my garage either.

Clair Huxtable is why I'm a lawyer. I wanted to be her. I even moved to NYC. She was my childhood hero!

I mean...when I was "straight" and feeling the feelings about fellow ladies and I hid in my room and watched The L Word and it grew on me that maybe it was okay

We were in a family-friendly restaurant, around 6:30pm, and I was wearing a loose-fitting, long sleeve shirt, jeans, and no makeup...so I'm not sure where the confusion arose as to what kind of service you were being provided.

Well, I certainly know 'Blue is The Warmest Color' gave me funny feelings down there when I watched it a couple of weeks ago. I just thought it was because I'm bisexual and Lea Seydoux makes a hot Soft Butch chick, but Pat Robertson and the power of Christ have opened my eyes! Hallelujah! I'M CURED*!

*Nope.

Well failing to empty the dishwater seems like more a life choice than being gay. For the sake of my sanity I'm going to interpret every dog-whistle reference to life-choices as "failing to empty the dish water" from now on. because people that do that might actual deserve a fiery hell.

Well I did realize that I wanted to kiss girls like Willow kissed Tara, so he might be on to something. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that Willow and Tara were the first lesbian relationship I was exposed to and was finally able to identify with a character's romantic relationship. Stay classy Pat.

America's creepy old uncle everyone wishes would stop coming to family functions.

Points for using "decimate" correctly!

12 years of catholic school, and 10 years of living in sin with my lesbian wife. ZING.

Jesus, judging someones parenting skills from one picture? You need to have a drink and chill the fuck out.

Or, kids are weird and do weird shit like flop around on a sofa while their parents are busy talking, and the parents don't see it before the photographer does because they're busy talking to the president.

that's hella weird to me, since i find german accents mostly a not-turn-on.

Fake German accents (I like real ones too). My ex used to do one for me, and I'd be like "No, seriously, take your pants off now...No, do you really have to stop talking like that during?!?!?"

Priest collars. Don't judge me. The Thornbirds was really seminal (heh) in my life.

Back in June, Jezebel's sister site (brother site? Does Jalopnik have a gender?)