I frequently feel the urge to think of friends by my own nicknames but I’m too shy to say them in direct address. Making up a nickname for someone else and using it as a noun of direct address seems about as respectful as grabbing ass without prearrangement. “Hey, Red, your hair looks amazing!”

I’m happy for all these people that have fucks to give when they see a proofreading error. Whenever I see a typo I don’t fucking care enough to actually email the author.

It is weird that people don’t ask before shortening when there’s so many options with the name. (Beth, Liz, Liza, Lizzie, Lizbet, did I miss any?) I’d go with ‘Za. As in “Piz” . My sister’s name is Meredith. She goes by Merri, but Meredith is my “pet name” for her.

How do you get “mouthy” with someone over the subject of saying your name right? Because I want to believe there’s a way, and yet if she’s already corrected someone once and they didn’t get the picture then your assistant sounds like kind of a dick.

I love that the author of the pancakes story totally implies that the only way to impress a date is to order the expensive stuff on the menu.

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!

As I was looking at the MRS necklace I was like “what if those were just your given initials, wouldn’t that be convenient?” Then I was like “what if those were your birth name initials..then when you got married you changed your last name...”

UnReal is great, I don't know what he's been watching. It's also he only reason I watched The Bachelorette for the first time ever, so he should maybe say thank you a little bit.

Minnesotans have no need for shame. This POS was born and raised in North Dakota. He's not a Minnesotan. He just lives there now. I refuse to claim him as one of us.

I live 10 minutes from his office. People here are fucking PISSED.

Mel Gibson is only an anti-semite when he’s drunk and Hulk Hogan is only a racist when he’s having a shitty day./s

What is it with celebrity’s kids and lacking all forms of self-awareness? Did no one ever tell her that shitty poetry is something you do in high school and then never speak of/publically acknowledge again?

Roses are red.

Sex tapes of celebrities published without their permission? No thanks!

Come on that ‘logically’ rhyme is Byronesque

7? hour flight from Seattle to Reykjavik, surrounded by a HS tour group. Teenagers everywhere. It was an overnight flight but did any of them shut up for even a moment? Oh no. The kid across from me spoke exclusively in doge meme speak FOR SEVEN FUCKING HOURS WOWE MUCH RAGE SO GO FUCK YOURSELF

The Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen on an Airplane...

Lover You Should’ve Come Over. Pretty much anything by Buckley