I’m either hideous or oblivious, because I have no idea.

GOOD FOR HER.

I’m sorry, what? Nigel, you’re good at playing a game, you’re not a scientist or a doctor, you’re last century’s version of MLG Pro, that doesn’t mean you know shit about neurology, evolution, or biology.

If men are supposed to be better at chees then why the is the most powerful piece in the game the Queen?

I just read “Nigel Short’s penis” as “Nigel’s short penis” and I'm totally fine with that.

“I’m glad to be alive. I saved my life that night.”

I used to play a game at my local Burger King called, “How will they mess up my order today?” I would order a #1 combo (Whopper, fries, soda), with only ketchup on the whopper.

They never got it right. Not once.

Highlights were the time I got two fries with no drink, two drinks with no fries, a chicken sandwich (do they…

Why would you let your child be this cruel and turn down this poor child’s party? WHY ARE PEOPLE BAGS OF DICKS!?

He’s streamlining resources to ensure talent is maximized to enhance the customer experience.

Literally every single person was from a Ren Faire. This wasn't even hard.

I know a lot of women who kept their last name after their divorce (like my mother) because they shared children. She and Kelsey have two kid who are definitely still children aged. Like elementary and middle school age. Maybe she also likes the name Grammer more than her maiden name? I know my friend sure did (her…

Is Chris D’Elia ever funny? In anything?

Your mood of the day is like you’re laying across a bed of hot jagged rocks wearing only a sombrero and knee-high sandals?

Happily, women his age (or any age) are not attracted to him either.

Hi5 for skin suit jokes. MY FAVORITE :D

Enjoy it while it lasts, kid. Being a smart kid is hell as an adult. People have so many expectations for you, so many goals, so many AP classes. You have so much promise as a young thing, so bright and clever, and suddenly you look around and you’re sitting in your pajamas, watching Netflix, doing nothing with your…

Who cares about his brains when he has the looks...I just want to devour his cheeks and permanently furrowed brow with a fork. He’s cute enough to coast by on his looks and not have to worry about being smart, imo. He can find a nice lady baby someday to provide for him and he can feed the world with his giant fat…

Oh my god, I love stories about little kids learning language, because seriously our language is so weird that it’s hilariously honest watching them figure it out.

Me (to my 2 year old): “you’re wonderful”

I think the Smartest Baby would know about the country and not just the fancy tableware.