This reminds me of the time when Pope John Paul III, or as I knew him, Dick Dawkins, was accused of stealing from the Vatican. I remember telling my wife Ivana, “Ivana, this just can’t end well. Everyone knows Pope John Paul III, or as I knew him, Dick Dawkins, is not just a thief, but a charlatan to boot.” And Ivana…

On Earth-3, where Thanksgiving is a national day of mourning for the day the Pilgrims were massacred by their own hunting dogs, we dine on nothing more than a gravy made from our tears. With that in mind, even turkey sounds better than sorrow.

It’s funny— on your Earth, Nazis are the default bad guy, and for good reason. But on Earth-3, the default enemies are Buddhists, mainly because the Crime Syndicate considers their philosophies of peace and harmony repugnant. Of course, they’re both represented by swastikas.

This film got Bob Hoskins canonized on my Earth.

I rather like this Supergirl character, even if she reminds me of my Earth’s Ultragirl, who once picked up my house and threw it into the gentrifying district, where NIMBYs mistook my shack for a quirky, kitschy million-dollar dwelling and smeared rotten Nutella all over it.
Needless to say, the cardboard box I now…

In a different time, perhaps General Biden and I would have been friends. But during the Sanders Wars he broke my heart once and for all, when he tied me to a tree, hooked my arms up to a tractor and drove that puppy so hard Ivana barely recognized me when I came home, with twigs where my arms used to be, like a…

Now I know this might be the wrong time to bring it up, but when I think of my son Senator Trump Jr., I think of a man who single-handedly made the University of Phoenix the most reputable institution in all America. His thesis argued that America would be better off if we weren’t under a dictatorship, although now…

Victorious Nazi Timeline Trump has poor table manners and Shadow Universe Trump smells funny. Frankly, you’re the only one I trust, and Ivana agrees. Once she says to me, “now when’s that nice fella Mirror Universe Trump going to come over again?” And I says, “how do you know I’m not him?” And she says, “trust me,…

I’m sure this show will confuse me immensely, because on my Earth, a “punisher” is what we call someone who makes puns so funny, they kill.

On my Earth, Father Berganza is a good man. Sure, he spends hours at the Applebee’s bar in the city; who doesn’t? But he can sure rile up a congregation with nothing more than the Book of Ecclesiastes. Sometimes I says to my wife Ivana, I says, “Ivana, I just don’t get how he does it, what with all that time he…