God bless the Internet™

You know who designed these? Every shitty artist boyfriend we had in our 20s who ate our leftovers and still owes us money.

As a child-free person, I MUST chime in to voice this very important opinion on a matter that has nothing to do with me:

You parents are rockstars and I have no f*cking idea how you do it. Gold stars for all of you.

If fashion extends beyond just clothing, then my most regrettable fashion faux pas was that weird, choppy, two tone (obvs dark brunette + platinum) Toni and Guy haircut circa 2004-2006.

Never get rid of that phone. I upgraded from a 6 to an X and I regret that decision every single day.

I’m fine with the bigger phone but we need a way to anchor apps to the lower righthand corner of the screen instead of upper left. If I could just condense everything strategically within my thumb’s reach, I’d be a happy woman with my tiny, delicate woman hands.

No way, Peter was the worst!
Rachel: *clearly expressing what she wanted in a relationship*
Peter: “Yea babe, that’s great”
Rachel: *clearly expressing what she wanted in a relationship*
Peter: “You’re so beautiful”
Rachel: *clearly expressing what she wanted in a relationship*
Peter: “Wow, you’re so wonderful”
Rachel:…

I would like to sue the entire United States for the same reason.

While I never want to need a service mini-horse, I sure do want a service mini-horse.

I was on a flight with a bunch of athletes (if I were to guess, it was a college baseball or basketball team) and one of the dudes had a Rottweiler. A Rottweiler... on a plane... in the hands of a college student.

....and that dog was so well behaved, it was amazing. It’s always nice to be pleasantly surprised by respon…

We just experienced a “Patriot Prayer” rally in Portland featuring everyone’s favorite group of limp dicks, the Proud Boys. In all of Portland, you know who stood up to them best?

The bartenders. They all got in communication with each other, had a running text chain about where the assholes were heading, and made sure…

Meanwhile, Neri Oxman is hanging with her billionaire boyfriend, sipping on a glass of rosé, and patting herself on the back for spotting Brad Pitt’s red flags from two miles away....

While very well hydrated with Smart Water™

“Oh okay, cool.”

This quiz was very helpful and I have much more insight into where my priorities lie. Thank you.

Cake is a burden. Give me good wine and a friend capable of an eloquent birthday toast and I’m a happy birthday gal.

*clinks glasses*

I 100% agree. I don’t connect with guys I date through any social media until it’s official + serious and I cut them out the second it ends. Some dudes have perceived it as me being dramatic but it’s 100% the opposite: it prevents sooooo much drama.

I think in 2018 people have this weird obligation to stay connected…

I feel happy for The Situation and his sober, gluttonous ways. Get those non-alcoholic calories and sugars, my friend; you deserve ‘em. <3

I firmly believe that the absolute worst thing you can do to your family, aside from dying unexpectedly, is to die unexpectedly and leave them zero information. I’ve basically been writing and updating my will since I was 12 (I was a strange but organized kid).

So bravo, Beyond. I’m all for this.

This movie is perfect and J.C. Wiatt basically shaped who I am as a woman, from the entrepreneurship to the rural property and even down to fucking rugged men way below my pay grade.

Thank you for this. Baby Boom is the best.

Bonus: I’m happily child-free but OMG LITTLE BABY IN WHITE TIGHTS AND PATENT LEATHER MARY…