The only way to make it better is to open the back door and have everything arranged so that when the hearse brakes, the casket just gets flung right onto the lowering device, no pallbearers needed (Add.: I thought there would be some special name for this thing, but it’s just called a “casket lowering device.”)

Because a 2500HD model is a real off-road monster. /s

I could make a Howie Long/aluminum/“triggered” meme out of this, but I’m too lazy.

You’re absolutely correct on the first 3 counts, but the C-Max is an MPV (available in Europe without the hybrid powertrain). MPVs are similar to but distinct from CUVs for all the reasons you mentioned in your second sentence.

Three days ago, I would have laughed and said “never.” But now that Chevy has made a “CUV” out of the A-segment microcar Spark:

Personally, I like something that’s either compact or full-size (and I mean really full-size, like 78" wide). Mid-size is too much of a compromise (the worst of both worlds) and subcompact is too small.

And gas prices are low enough that there’s not much difference between the low-30s MPG of a compact car and the high-30s/low-40s of a subcompact car (disclaimer: I have no idea what new compacts and subcompacts get; all I know is my 15-year-old compact CUV gets low-20s, and so do new full-size pickups).

Make no doubt about it, the MK crossovers were a hot mess. They have terrible NVH, the interiors are ‘90s GM-grade levels of chintzy, and the powertrain is par-for-the-course mid-‘00s Chrysler—somehow gutless and gas-guzzling at the same time. But for someone looking for the absolute cheapest CUV that could actually…

I think you’re being unnecessarily pessimistic. Ford has confirmed that the Bronco will be Ranger-based, a BOF SUV with RWD-based 4x4, not a unibody CUV with FWD-based AWD.

The CR-V did not grow appreciably in any dimension from 1997 to 2016, and only grew 2" longer, 1" wider, and 1" taller for the fifth-gen model (gaining back the 1" in height it lost over the past 20 years).

Yes, because it is. The EcoSport is to the Fiesta what the Escape is to the Focus—a CUV built on the same platform as the car.

How so? This competes against other subcompact CUVs like the Chevy Trax/Buick Encore, Jeep Renegade, Honda HR-V, Mazda CX-3, etc. If anything, this segment is just starting out.

They won’t. The Bronco will be a mid-sized SUV (not CUV) built on the same platform as the mid-size Ranger pickup. We don’t know yet if this means it’ll be a rebadged Ford Everest or a completely new model (either choice is good IMO).

It’s smaller than a Focus hatchback. It’s built on the same platform as the subcompact Fiesta. The EcoSport is to the Escape what the Fiesta is to the Focus.

The B-Max and Transit Courier van wouldn’t do well in the U.S., methinks. We don’t have a need for a subcompact vehicle with a lot of cargo space in most of the country.

Someone’s been watching RCR....

It’s not a smaller Escape. The Escape is a compact CUV built on the same platform as the Focus (and the C-Max, and the Transit Connect). This is a subcompact CUV built on the same platform as the Fiesta (and the B-Max, and the Transit Courier, neither of which are sold here).

Trax, Encore, CX-3, HR-V, Renegade, Juke, upcoming C-HR.

Because Truck Yeah covers not just actual trucks (pickups and SUVs), but also CUVs.

If the Fiesta doesn’t have enough storage space, I don’t think the CUV version will have any more. She may have to go up to a C-segment, since not only is there a normal sedan/hatchback (Focus), but also a CUV (Escape), MPV (C-Max), and van (Transit Connect) all built on the same platform.