This is a horrible poem.

Rivers brought all of his kids to the game.

Fantasy football is very popular.  You don’t need wild conspiracy theories like “L.A. Chargers fans exist” to explain these cheers.

Officials ruled that Dolphins WR Albert Wilson did feign a pass before he went down

Nobody stays alive to keep watching the winningest team ever keep winning, I call bullshit. Your grandfather is alive just to cheer against that immigrant Altuve, i bet 

Also, fuck Ohio State.

“I’m just naturally a monster.”

Pretty sure Bevo is better off as a mascot, too.

Oh so its funny when they fall off the wagon, but not when I do?

I remember reading an interview with Chris Webber back in the 90's. He said when he was traded from Washington to Sactown as the plane approached Sactown he looked out and saw nothing but farms and empty land, started the cry and called home telling parents he’d rather quit than play there. His mom told him to suck…

I know, I get it. Trust me I do. I root for human shit, and Rudy Guiliani loves our team. I legitimately have no come back for that, and I don’t expect you to ever come around.

I hear it’s part of the Uighur re-education curriculum in Xinjiang.

That pass was blinder than a Hong Kong protestor shot in the eyes by the Chinese government.

Which will of course never happen because money. Same reason football won’t ever go anywhere despite its inherent dangers. They’ll say that they knew what they were getting into, or some such nonsense.

Actually, we know the questions and the answers. We’ve known them for decades. Boxing has always been a sport built on allowing the impoverished an avenue to what they perceive to be wealth and notoriety if only they will beat each other to a pulp for the entertainment of the privileged. Knowing what we know about the…

Watching the team try to form some sort of coherent offensive strategy last night was like watching a monkey try to fuck a football. At a basic level you understand what it’s trying to do, but in the end it’s just confusion and embarrassment for everything involved. 

“If it brings good people to our town and increases our property value, I’m good with that.”

This is small-town, religious-conservative America aptly summed up in a single sentence.

These people aren’t ignorant of what’s going on, they just *don’t care*. Their sense of priorities are so askew that it’s impossible to…

This is an intense and well-written story, the exact type of stuff that nobody but Deadspin is doing.

“I do think that this is more complicated than you’re making it.”

If the menu doesn’t use the words ‘artisinal’, ‘small-batch’, ‘local’, and ‘animal-friendly cruelty-free bio-organic certifiably certified semi-sensitized de-glazed in cast-iron cookwear made by local blacksmiths whose DNA tests are war-crime cleared for at least four generations’, i don’t even consider eating there.