“But what I do have are a very hot set of takes, takes I have acquired over a very long career. Takes that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you apologize now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will threaten…

“That would be a puddle of cheese, and we don’t do that” is one of the single most perfect server quotes we’ve ever had here.

I want to hire a lady to follow me around in a wedding dress, accusing everybody I see of “Ruining my wedding day!”

The server’s response was perfect. “That would be a puddle of cheese.”

You know what? I love the balls on Cara Sloane to tell a BCO story about her own fuck-up. Just about every one of these is told from the waiter’s point of view, so I am always curious as to how customers would tell one of these (and what the exact hell was goin on in their cerebellums)...

If anyone can think of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, please passive-aggressively blog about it right now, right here, during the ceremony, with your champagne gold iPhone 6, which is so last June anyway because the rose gold iPhone 6s is where it’s at now.

No joke, summer is the worst season. I loathe being hot. All I ever want is to need to wear a heavy coat. Also, I think some people really are just genuinely drawn to melancholy. The darkening days are romantic to some of us.

nah bro. fall is da best. fuckin best apples ever, beautiful sunny skies and crisp air..gtfo wit dis shit.

You are the wrongest anyone has ever been wrong about anything in the history of wrongness. Repent.

Gotta make rent. Why so harsh Tai?

Google Images is rich and abundant. Well, it had two.

KAZOOOOOOOOOOOS!

I did this for DAYS after getting this submission.

I was way more of a smart-ass when I worked in a bookstore, since my manager was always job hunting and couldn’t have cared less. During the height of the “Twilight” craze, right when the last book and the first movie had been released, we were sent a metric ton of merch, including those SweetHearts chalk-flavored…

Oh dear. I just know I’m going to be randomly blurting out “KAZOOOOOS!” for the rest of the day. Well played. Well played.

I'm just wondering if somewhere there's a guy with a story about buying cheap softcore porn and finding out it was actually X-men Legends.

The top pic reminds me of YSL in the ‘80’s

Frankie doesn’t get to be called Cool Pope again until he dons this little number.