THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HIGHLIGHT

I had a dream last night where Hillary won (thank god!) and was magnanimous to the Hairy Cheeto in her victory speech.

My favorite part of this column is looking for my favorite piece of shade in the piece. “Mariah Carey posted a picture of herself and Stella’s cheek.”

Shade is too subtle for Uncle Joe. He’ll just straight out call you a dick.

No doubt the penalty would be the same if they played football.

Holy mother of pearl. Real consequences to the sports ball game for grossly sexist and dehumanizing behavior.

Siri is worthless. She doesn’t know shit.

He’s got the eyes of a Siberian Husky.

I think the rule is, fans get until the parade and then it’s open season on those assholes.

This one time, there was a huge possum sitting on my backyard fence, and I side-armed a tennis ball right at it and knocked it off. Pretty sure I had that same goofy grin on my face. That was my World Series.

Intellectual me: Wonderful, brave woman. So much horror in the world, but so much that’s good coming from the horror.

The ultimate proof the Disney movie worked is that Beast looked weirder as a human at the end of the film than as a beast during the film. I imagine that will not be the same for this film.

The cop did and said the completely right thing here, and you still can’t help but be a dick. Jesus christ.

[whispers] Peppermint mochas are the only things I get from them.

Right? Just like all those paintings of people suffering in Hell for eternity.

OK, so everyone on the cup is green except this one little exclusive enclave of white faces? Like a little gated community? And they’re all huddled in the center of the cup, like a spotlight shining on center stage? I guess Starbucks thinks the white ones are the only ones worth paying attention to. …

Sign number eight bajillion and seventy-eleventh that I’m a blackhearted bitch: When I saw the green cups this morning, I was legitimately delighted when I realized how many people were going to be PIIIIISSED at the lack of red cups right now.

So the guy perpetrates the violence and then blames the woman for not preventing it? (Checks all of human history.) YUP! CHECKS OUT!

But he wasn’t irrationally cuffed. You’re getting to judge the situation after the fact and with a whole lot of info and a video. The cops that show up have little info to go off of when they get a call. They don’t know who did what, said what or in what order it all happened in. Given the confined space and lack of…

I’m a Clevelander and the distraction of baseball has been such an unbelievable fucking blessing. I can drink to excess on a regular basis because I’m ‘celebrating’ and no one bats an eye, and we can watch baseball instead of the news. Thank god.