My cat always begged to go outside, so we bought him a leash/harness and took him outside. It was like dragging a ham through the grass on a string.

I assume “Jesus” is an affordable Napa Valley Chardonnay.

Trevor Noah nailed this one perfectly: there is a massive difference between using obscene language to talk about your totally consensual sexual experiences and talking about sexually assaulting someone. Is the first one kinda shitty, depending on the situation? Yea. Do your friends probably want you to shut up…

He, like most people with bad/no taste, think that if something is expensive, then it is appropriate/beautiful.The more you spend on it, the better it must be! But this is simply not true. The most expensive wine is not always the best tasting, the most expensive clothes are not automatically the best look for you,…

Oh my god, he looks like a flasher lurking outside a woman’s bathroom.

Oh look! It’s Vincent Adultman, heading off to a long day at the business factory!

FLavoured coffee can suck my dick. Unless it’s flavoured with rum. Or whisky. Or brandy.

Purposefully using the wrong names is also passive-aggressive, so this fits.

I worked at Starbucks for 6 years and every year I would make myself one and every year I would be reminded that I don’t like them.

I hope Al leaked the tape. If so, he wins everything.

The worst part of all of this, is that everything that we are forced to endure now (“lock her up” etc) are things that will be amplified throughout her presidency.

Ken Bone, the undisputed winner of last night’s debate

#TiffanyIsTheBestTrump

Never broke her smile, and then capped it off with the “we’re just friends” arm pat. Beautiful.

This is the face that got me. I make this face like 30 times a day.

Goddamn that was some amazing evasive maneuvering.

My boys very first awesome nanny posted a typically awesome meme recently along the lines of “real women have curves, real women don’t have curves, real women are real and don’t need these stupid sayings”. She will always be one of my favorite people.

Can I rant for a minute about how much I fucking hate comments about “normal bodies” and how “real women” have curves? It’s just so pointlessly divisive and belittling.

You think Cardinal fans are bad? Wait until Cubs fans finally taste success