You could have stopped at “Texas.”

As a Jew, I would like to say that Spike Lee is the most poorly-disguised Jew I’ve seen since Lenny Kravitz.

Ah, yes. Your “parents’ guest room,” f/k/a your room, except that Mom just had to have that cute goddamned trundle bed and a new sewing/knitting room, so now all your sweet-ass posters, trophies, and senior homecoming shit has been reduced to a picture of you and your sister, and that dogshit art project painting of…

Great story! I’m not saying or implying that this was the cause for you, but your highs and lows sound a lot like what I experienced when I was using one particular anabolic steroid in college. The one I used was a blend of several different testosterones, so perhaps your body reacted to the increased activity with a…

I used to get the runner’s tummy, and I never ran beyond 4 miles. It seemed to happen regardless of the distance, and even if I went deuce right before. The worst was the time that I was two miles in, and thus, precisely two miles from my house. There was absolutely nowhere to even have an emergency, so I had to…

I was about to talk about the debauchery to be had at some law schools, but I see that we’ve gone to the same one. I guess we all were dragged into at least one too-old-to-be-there moment.

Anyways, the compromise was for me to flash the little fishing boat hanging out in the lake.

That’s easily the most prevalent type of hot chick in Memphis.

Be careful. For me, that much grumble means I have the shits.

So the #4 is your nomination, or just your favorite?

Except that Gausman more or less showed up already ready already to pitch at a very high level. Man, now that I think about it, the O’s really have had a pretty bad run with pitchers who failed to develop. What’s that one called, the Pete Harnisch curse?

You get all the A’s for effort.

I think it is a toss-up between the Bears and the insufferable Miami Dolphins and their undefeated team.

He has a very gorable face

Good one dawg!

At least he attempted wit, and didn’t go to a burger joint to whine about their taco selection.

Public figures who are lighter-skinned than ol’ Hulkster was in this clip: Steph Curry, Rihanna, Drake, Oprah, Weezy, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Neil Degrasse-Tyson, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (among many others, obviously).

Oh no! Is this foreshadowing an imminent purchase of the Nationals by Dan Snyder?!? I heard that if he pulls it off he’s changing the name to either Heebs or Orientals.

At least semantically, I think the answer is yes, since ol’ Jimmers is technically getting a chance, and the City of San Antonio is its own unique form of hell from April - September, and any year following a Spurs NBA title.

Dwight Howard doesn’t relinquish his throne that easily.