He should have stuck with Plan Eh.

Rob Ford’s Darryl Strawberry impression was much more spot-on.

I’ll go into these types of shops and I’ll just look the register official right square in the eyes and I’ll say, “Punish me.” I’ll pay them with however much legal tender I had stored in my cheek pouches from the day’s rummaging and they will give me a bag. I’ll swallow it whole and wake up some months later,…

But it never steps out of the strange uncanny valley that Depp’s career has become, an inability to connect with actual human beings on an organic level.

“Mine was worse.”

The good new for these guys is that after having their team’s monumental failure relayed to them via cell phone, they got to go out into the freezing cold and get right back to performing one of the most brutal and dangerous jobs in the world.

Tom Brady killed Cecil

But then he would have a red flag, so he wouldn’t be red flagged for not having any red flags anymore, so that red flag would be rendered moot, which would mean he would have no red flags, which would be a red flag, which would mean his lack of red flags wasn’t a red flag anymore, which would take away his red flag,…

I used to play pretty seriously. The rules are simple. The main goal is to achieve “The Queen’s Errand,” or have the most netted balls by the end of the crow’s watch. If the pepper is placed in your path, you have to wheel the cranberry using only the poetic side of your bike. The lines on the court indicate the…

As a New Yorker, gun to my head I’d say do it, pussy. Pull the fucking trigger.

Yes, you are correct that there is a different immediate punishment, but what happens if your second yellow happens in the 85th minute? I just think three yellow cards makes more sense. It shows a pattern. And I think the rule is garbage across all FIFA tournaments.

I would argue that the bully was totally justified because the kid is a ginger.

I don’t want someone to spit their coffee out, but this is literally how I read it:

This is still my all time favorite Gawker comment.

We’ve come down hard on cops in these parts lately, and rightly so. But kudos to Green Bay’s police, EMS, and fire/rescue departments who, in the four hours of radio traffic I listened to, remained calm and professional throughout the entire event—even amidst the noise, darkness, confusion, and angry drunks screaming…

Greg Oden: [quietly vows to never, ever litter another condom]

This is the perfect metaphor for my life.

And he would have eaten that third base coach too, if it wasn’t for gravity and those meddling kids.

"Non-sexual relationship"? So, they are married?