“As Valentine’s Day approaches” you say? Are your reservations ON Valentine’s Day? The likelihood that someone is gonna steal your thunder is going to be a lot higher than an average Thursday night. And don’t count on informing the restaurant beforehand to be a guarantee that you’re on first: most people are going to…

Does your area have Little Free Libraries (essentially, little boxes that are a free Take a Book, Share a Book shelter)? Their website has a map. Take a day and drive around, dropping a few off at each location. They almost always have open space for a few books and they’re much-appreciated by users. And if you have a…

Every server I’ve ever put eyes on between dropping off the check and getting the money has used the interim to check on other tables, so I’m pretty understanding if they’re perturbed that you’re messing up the flow. ESPECIALLY if you’re actually being waited on by a junior server who is going to have to grab someone…

The point of a tip calculator is that it does all the complicated thinking for you if you’re, say, steak-drunk and bottle-of-wine tipsy.

I’d go with a template like this: “My wife and I had Jane as our server last night. I realized when I got home that I forgot to tip her! [no need to go into that you undertipped.] I’d love to give her what I owe her. How can I make that happen?” Let them suggest something.

Dragées, which is interestingly enough in the same “food” category as Jordan almonds and some medicines. All equally as appetizing.

I won’t even touch the weird allegorical Willem Dafoe voiceover twist.

Can we talk about Red Nose Day Actually

Pardon me, but you forgot slumps, grunts and sonkers!

I have improvised cheese balls on the fly at parties that were light on apps with pretty much whatever was in the fridge and only been met with absolute delight. People love dips and spreads, y’all.

I was juuuuust being insufferable! Geez, guys.

Streaky bacon!

Here’s what you’re gonna do. Google tin foil method for cooking bacon. Spoiler alert? You’re doin’ it in the oven on folded tin foil laid in a baking sheet. When you’ve removed the bacon and the grease has had a bit of time to cool, but not solidify, pour the grease into a coffee mug. Let that cool further, then…

I laughed, I cried, I still miss the guy.

Insert image of their “Save the Whales, Lose the Blubber” billboard here.

I assure you, the Produce Manager at Meijer isn’t hand-selecting my grapes with the morning dew, nor are they throwing them away en masse by the hour. Jeremy in Produce is definitely never going to get out his knife (?!?!!) to cut open anything on the display for us unwashed Plebs.

You missed the step where you mix the peanut butter with maple syrup.

Look, it just ain’t Thanksgiving without the slorp sound. We do both every year, and my dad and I live with no regrets.

Hot and Sour Soup with extra chili oil

Ask for a seat that’s as far as possible from the door, but not next to a window. Explain to the host that you’re one of those always-cold people, and they should be able to seat you as warmly as possible.