10/8/2013. 10:47 pm PT. Craig Sager's jacket becomes self aware.

"I'll get it!"

"Can we get a wheelchair? Does anyone have a wheelchair?"

What sunset?

The New York Times tastefully left out the part where Adams reminisced about literally owning the players.

"The nerds near Chicago..."

"Yes, because Northwestern is actually in Evanston, despite what they tell everyone."

Unfortunately for Oliver's agent, the answer to "who needs a safety?" was right in front of him the whole time.

"I told you fuckers he was goo...what do you mean I have to put Weeden back in?"
-Norv Turner

Just don't give him the second overalls or he might draft Charles Rogers again.

"I'll take the Bartolo Colon for my Achilles,"

This dude was originally labeled a suspect, obviously because he's, like, literally always "slayin' bitches and shit."

And to think everyone in the bar just laughed when Bob took that last shot of whiskey and announced he was heading out to fuck with Lil' Wayne.

Hitner has already convinced some of his teammates to follow his lead, like wide receiver and punt returner Fumblingpieceofshit Williams.

He'd better be careful. It's bad enough that he's already SS.

Mike's Hard Lemonade has a creepy fixation on much, much younger women.

This was bound to happen. Everyone in Pittsburgh is Latos intolerant.

Okay. What about the last four weeks?

He clearly misheard Kobe, who actually said, "Honestly, man, I don't really give assists."

It's very unusual to see Cubs this late in the year.