I once astonished my male engineer coworkers by pulling my swiss army knife out of my purse (for the corkscrew). I had to curtail that habit when I was a frequent traveller though, darn airport security.

I use the edge of a countertop and my fist. Like a man. A man with tits and *great* eyebrows.

Here’s what you do. Get HR to pound a large nail into the wall somewhere near the drinks fridge, then have them tie a heavy circa-1950 bottle opener to it (frayed rope twine works best) to prevent theft.

Yup! Works well, but it may leave “bite marks” on the surface. So don’t do it on somebody’s nice coffee table.

Maybe, but doing this sort of flair-filled bottle opening maneuver somehow got one of our wedding guests sent to the ER for stitches. I wasn’t there to witness the actual maneuver, but saw the results unfortunately.

My sister had a party when she was in high school and my parents were out, and someone did this.. and took a huge hunk out of the Formica countertop. (80s, man.) I think my mom is still angry. (Because my father was cheap as hell, so the counter was still messed up when we moved out 7 years later. Post-divorce.)

The easiest way is to find a hard durable surface [that you don’t mind potentially chipping or scarring*] with a nice crisp edge — brick wall, edge of a table or counter, etc — hold the bottle with your non-dominant hand so the edge of the cap is resting on the hard surface edge, and give the top of the cap a solid…

MUCH AS IN REGARDS TO THE PEE TAPE, WHICH EXISTS, DO NOT ALLUDE TO THE EXISTENCE OF A VIDEO WITHOUT PROVIDING SAID VIDEO

I have this kitchen knife that is shaped like a small machete. Weird, I know, but w/e, it was part of a set.

I once used that particular one to open a beer, but since the knife was too narrow, the blade cut into my hand and left a 2 inch gash.

Not one of my prouder moments, but at least it opened the beer as well as…

Well in all fairness, Trump jr.’s supplier forgot that you’re not supposed to send coke by mail.

Careful, England - you don’t want to give America a run for the “most racist” crown!

Remember when you had a President?

Leave the ravens alone! The adorable Merlina is looking very well, as usual!

My hope is that this will be a pivotal moment in the 2018 midterms, and that those without a shred of humanity will be swept out of office. Maybe I’m just being optimistic, but dreams are free.

I’ve fallen down a Barack hole today. It’s sometimes hard to remember that less than 10 years ago we were celebrating (in the streets!) the election of a brilliant, compassionate, thoughtful Black man to the presidency. And he was cool as f*ck.

Ya, it’s always amazed me that Churchill wasn’t forever sidelined after Galipoli.

Are we sure Junior was birthed by his mother and not just shit out of Donnie’s ass?

About a month after he setup the “trust” to “prevent any conflicts of interest,” with great fanfare, he quietly changed the terms of it so that he could withdraw profits and principal from his company whenever he wanted. This latter bit wasn’t discovered until months afterwards.

I might be wrong, but I’m fairly certain all of those things are flowing into his pocket RIGHT NOW. Trump never divested his stake in any of his companies, and never placed any of his assets in any sort of blind trust. It’s just that Eric and Jr. run the company.

“I’m too smart to do something that stupid!” yells man stupidly drawing attention to the thing he’s trying to get people to ignore.