Every car I’ve ever owned has had reverse where it belongs: between P and N. You can keep your Flintstones cars.

2 am in Florida, Feds including ICE agents quietly line up outside a quiet, unassuming white import shop. They place chains on the large overhead door which are firmly attached to the back of an acquired MRAP. With a solid tug and wail from the diesel powered behemoth, it rips the entire door and parts of the wall…

I am sorry I became the big bad Pissboy. I am now the Swimmin’ Prince and the big bad Pissboy for I have brought my body’s water onto the land in a shameful way. In the water land where I live, one must only smile and relax and allow the piss to flow from within. We live in the piss pools and we die in the piss pools.…

I had an ‘84 Chevy Cavalier that I called “Just Fuckin’ Start”, does that count?

I tried FiberFix. I was on the toilet ALL THE TIME.

Seems like he was in denial.

So was her Mustang in the body shop?

Zachary D. Manprin: Cardinal Fan or Schiano Man?

the GOP let the horse out of the barn a long time ago but only now is closing the doors. Except it wasn’t really a horse, but a mangy goat covered in rotten marmalade who thinks he’s a unicorn.

Screw the flat belly! Go you! Losing 76 pounds in 15 months is no small feat!! Congratulations and keep up the good work!

My friend went into a Target yesterday, and saw a bunch of onesies that said “Future President” in with the boy baby clothes. There were no such onesies on the girl baby clothes side. She took half of them off the rack and moved them to the girl side, which is why we are friends.

“Probably just a faulty GPS.” - Michael Scott

I got 11 balls today

Ecoboost just kicked in, yo.

This is like when you have that really smart friend, and then you find out they say things like “irregardless” and “I could care less.”

To be fair, when Curry is hot I lose my shit as well.

Manager Scott Bakula can get Timmy back on track.

The Ardrey Kell High School talent show: You pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge

Best/only sub 5k sleeper I could find on ebay: