“I’ll never understand the sex appeal of a boozy cigarette-withered middle-aged man with a hairpiece fondly nicknamed a rat, not to knock Frank Sinatra.”

Mine too- no kids under age 14 but I do have 3 hairy toddler like creatures that are living life like an endless sofa eating party.

God I can’t believe how much my house looks like this.. drownings amidst a four year old and 1.5 year old. Drowning in goldfish and graham cracker crumbs.

Did anyone else just get an image of 2021 where Corey Booker is President with Mindy Kaling as First Lady taking their brilliant, adorable child for walks on the White House lawn? Just me?

Please let it be BJ’s, please let it be BJ’s.

I mean, the only reason that I tend to make sure we all eat at the same time when we’re home is because I want my goddamn kitchen to be cleaned in fell swoop. But if my kid promises to clean up her own mess, she can eat whenever the fuck she wants.

I hate everyone!!

There’s a party in my fanny pack!

I would also like to make fanny packs happen, although I’d probably go for the low-slung-across-my-hips look. I need my hands free dammit!

Oh we’ve been roasting him for a while:

“The world sees her as this glamorous, sophisticated, jet-setting woman,