The best thing about them is their adaptability to all conditions. Whether it’s hauling the kids to soccer, or kicking Decepticons in the skidplate, these tough little vans can do it all.

Kidding aside, Jerry’s strengths and weaknesses are one and the same thing. He became the NFL Shadow Commissioner because he really is what Donald Trump pretends to be: he’s a conniving, ruthless snake with a penchant for young women, but is nevertheless able, through relentlessness, charisma and force of personality,…

This is the show I wake up to. It’ll be sad to see Greenie go.

Could we have a word sir?

Dunkin is better. You know this in your heart.

“I don’t know what this is, but Jay says says it’s a sea turtle. What?? A baby wheel? HO-LEE SHIT!! It’s a baby fuckin’ wheel, man! HO-LEE SHIT!”

He must have eaten the rest of the letters.

The diversity in that picture is astounding . There are fat white men, slightly fatter white men, white women, and maybe even a few white people without a morbid amount of body fat. It think I may even see one really blurry black guy in the far, far back. I guess we will never know how Walker, Trump, and Ryan got…

They also ran a hook & ladder play during that game but the only people that seemed to care all lived in Boise.

Fries with cat turds and diced onions?

Forbes also likes to put out the “Fictional 15,” which purports to rank the richest 15 fictional characters. Calling it horseshit is an insult to manure. I’m 99% certain they just throw a dart at a number board to “approximate” the wealth, when there are plenty of sources to actually figure out how much they’re worth.…

Party schools should be weighted according to how remote they are from legitimate large cities, the average cost of bulk beer, the available alternatives to simple intoxication, and how many students are hired by prestige firms upon graduation. Essentially,(asshole of nowhere+$30 kegs+non-competitive D-3 school with…

I had no idea Mexico City was that elevated! Thank you for teaching me something new!

His academic record is private (and you’re assuming Andy was a school employee), however, the evaluation that he was and remains an idiot is not a matter of privacy.

Costas is on point—you can’t celebrate anything in this country anymore without first thanking the troops (and to a lesser extent, first responders).

No, First Take comes on after.

I legitimately love the idiots in infomercial demonstrations.

YOUR HAPPINESS IS IRRELEVANT ALBERT! YOU MUST WRITE PIECES IN EXACTLY THE WAY I LIKE OR I WILL CONTINUE TO BITCH ANONYMOUSLY!

Wonderful piece. I think every straight dad in the 70s/80s wanted to be the Blown Away guy in one form or another (alt.: “What Kind of Man Reads Playboy?”). Sorry your folks couldn’t stay around longer to see what a great writer you are.

tonight he made a rare studio appearance