A real American would know that.

Anyway, if I’m putting any antlers on the table, they’re gonna be real. None of these poseur antlers for me. I’m taking down Bambi’s mom and then making her head the centerpiece of my turkey dinner.

They’re yet another sign of Russia’s infiltration and perversion of American values.

Underrated answer from that Ina Garten travesty of an interview:

Dear Ina,

Thanks for saving us all a lot of time.

“Dear Niantic, I would like a feature in Pokemon GO in which I can mass rename selected Pokemon ‘Steve Buscemi.’ Because reasons. Love, ConallofUlster.”

Obligatory “People still play this game?”

Do you even MsPaint, bro?

Healthy adults go out among people who are elderly, pregnant, very young, or care for them. The flu shot isn’t 100% effective, either.

I plan on tricking him into giving it to us.

When will Donald Trump release his tax returns?

This hit a little too close to home. Less real, please.

Me: Hi! It’s been so long, how are you!

Delicate seafood(s) - I suggest calimari. I would suggest scallops, but they’re so costly when they aren’t Red Listed it would be a real shame if something went wrong. Although, you did only buy 3 boxes of hot pockets (for the experiment, i’m sure you didn’t buy any additional for yourself).

Calimari, on the other…

I’m going to suggest something almost too simple and obvious but I expect the results will be amazing: scrambled eggs. I know, I know, you’d like something crazy like Snickers bars or Rueben sandwiches but hear me out. I expect if we can get the right combination of eggs & cheese & temp & time, this will be the most…

• Meat + Veg: A couple people have asked for a “meal in a bag” type situation where a main and a side are cooked at the same time. This could be a fun one.