You need to work on this routine before you take it on tour. Because right now it doesn't have any jokes in it and it's not gonna play in Peoria.

BUT HER EMAILS!

Wrong.

It's even sadder that Andy Dick wants that video too.

Hey. I'm not effete.

Who? Nixon? Well I'd like to but I'm pretty sure he's dead already. Have you got another one?

They'll still show up at veteran funerals just to let everyone know that "GOD HATES FIGS" because how else will everyone know that GOD HATES FIGS?

We can have the Doctor Who marathons here and, um, well someone needs to tell you about, ah, well this is really awkward but there's this person named Theresa May…

Fig trees.

So are we on Kinja now? Because Disqus refuses to let me sign in to my legacy account.

It was for one of the songs from A Mighty Wind.

I'm not available for movies.

If they all look like Bjorn Borg then I for one welcome our new Cybermen overlords.

*puts bag over @This if for Posterity's head*

Evileen is pressing her pantsuit as we speak. Wanna rumble?

I'm afraid that Margaret has a Welsh last name. It's contagious. Just no one think about an Emcewen. No. I don't know what it is either but we don't want it to break into this world. It's very important that no one think about Emcewen or spell it more than twice.

And you'll like it. Why isn't there an Onion on your belt?

Muslim swimwear in France is hotter than non-muslim swimwear here.

Hips don't lie.

You think they read books? If it's longer than a tweet then no-go.