Foreign policy is the only thing that the White House gets more or less to itself. Congress holds the purse but the executive branch spends the cash. DeVos is not going to be able to do all the damage that she wants to (sorry if you live in a red state, your kids are gonna be stupid). But foreign policy is where Trump…

We all aspire to be Michael Palin in Holy Grail. Yes, even the French.

I'm coming home tomorrow. So what have you all done with my country (USA) while I was away? Have the plants been watered? Is the litter box clean? Is anyone unexpectedly pregnant? Do I need to come up with bail again?

Max Von Sydow is not remotely qualified to be on the Advisory Commission on Asian American and Pacific Islanders so of course Trump will try and put him there.

Underneath this muppet face that I wear is a sloth. Why do you think I can't pronounce words? Did you think that I don't know Swedish? Bork! Bork! Bork! I always need a nap.

Would it help if we played "Yakkety Sax"?

You want me to buy a Russian book? Are you a Trumpanista?

Well I was thinking about buying a book but then I found this website that could think for me and now everything is peachy keen!

This is not tonightly.

I believe that required a Full Stop.

Yes, but it will be James Franco. Prepare to be disappointed.

Try looking at it.

My love is like Pewdiepie
Let me count the ways

Yeah, that type!

Here's a little something for Hitchens: https://youtu.be/DT5VQfvDvy4

I've been to O-hi-O. It gave us Devo. And now we've devolved to this. It's a beautiful world we live in. It's a beautiful world. For you.

And also, UGH. The National Guard is basically the militia that the second amendment is all about. The federal government very specifically cannot have anything to do with them.

"Zip-a-dee-DONE DIRT CHEAP!"

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop star?

And yet Ricky Martin smells like roses. Science has no explanation.