Do I have to be Jay Leno? I want to be Kevin Eubanks.

The real lesson learned there was to be considerate of your partner and not ejaculate on their clothes. Dick move, Bill.

Deflategate (or the funnier Ballghazi) is actually begging for the sports-doc treatment. It's quite the dimwitted circus. It has no good guys; only vendettas, duplicity, and overwhelming media scrutiny.

On the plus side, that paragon of morality and the public good Ken Starr went on to preside over numerous sexual assault cover-ups as chancellor of Baylor University. So everybody won!

As I write this, I am sitting on my couch in the semi-dark, listening to The Walkmem, and sipping a Bombay on the rocks with a squeeze of lemon. I'll drink to drinking alone, compadre.

I'd imagine after the first lick it was too far away to reach again.

"Buzz" and "woody" are both top-50 search terms on Pornhub, coincidentally.

Now, I know we didn't like Cars much, but that's still no way to talk about John Lasseter.

New Golden Gilmore Girls Interrupted on a Train

Who do you think has more wig experience? Ullman or Rhys?

It does still have Viggo and Vincent Cassell. And Knight's work has been watchable, if not groundbreaking.

Cannon Films presents EP2!

Eh, they're of a piece. Nothing wrong with that.

It really does emphasize how badass Nikolai is. He kills two Russian mob hardcases with their own knives while naked. The whole point of attacking him in the shvitz is that he's naked and vulnerable. But it doesn't work out.

I confess I've never tried unsweetened ketchup, what is it? Just tomato and egg white with a bit of spice?

Steam the bun, man. Steam the bun.

I had someone order a well done petite filet from me last week. As a fan of good food, I wanted to talk them out of it, as a bartender, I was fine with pumping their check up a bit.

Nah, it's delicious. Low-rent aioli.

I bartend at a restaurant and it upsets me when someone asks for ketchup or A1 to go with their ribeye because the ribeye is already perfect. You are ruining it! Just get a burger.

Most restaurants only have balsamic vinegar kicking around for the tables, so you're stuck with ketchup if you want to top your fries.