"Help me, I'm trapped inside a character of my own invention!" pleas Mike Myers.

I hope he ends each show by pretending to walk down stairs behind a couch.

"If it's not a bit I've done in several, barely perceptibly altered forms before, it's crap!"

I say, “Who’s a cheeky monkey?” Then the audience goes, “You are.” And I go, “No, you’re a cheeky monkey, and that’s why I love you.”

"Give me everything in the register and a bear claw!"

Please, of course he has children. I mean, come on.

The illuminati wins again!

"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover he had been transformed into an animatronic pirate in a theme park.

…presumably why Disney procured Depp’s involvement…

I remember back when Orion went under, and I thought, "Wait, didn't they just have two massive hits?"

There isn't? Then where do gender dysphoric light bulbs come from?

The people of Albania are fictitious? They might be surprised to hear that.

I had to travel on a plane with my kitty once. He was my carry-on, and while we were checking in, they asked me to put his carrier on this scale-thing next to the counter. So I set it there, and the ticket agent started clattering away on his keyboard. So time passes, nobody ever told me to pick it back up, so I'm…

Other rabbits, very much, ALL THE TIME

Paging Dr. Moose, Dr. Squirrel…

That's just to avoid confusion with Double Ds, a gentleman's establishment just down the road, frequented by many members of the DoD.

"Help, I'm being robbed by someone who is refusing to show me his green card!"

If you're gonna split hairs I'm gonna piss off.

Those aren't official organizations or government divisions though; they're really just lazy shorthands.

I hate to break this to Trump, but Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement Office would not be VOICE, it would be VICEO, because you don't typically include prepositions in acronyms (the United States of America is not called the USOA or the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is not the…