When I was just a wee lad, I read comics. My favorite hero was Namor the Sub-Mariner. Oddly, Namor would run around saying that he was "the one true Sub-Mariner!". I didn't understand. Was there a fake Sub-Mariner?

Drake (the "rapper"), is softer than a velvet baby.

My son has pink eye. I told him to get the fuck out of the apartment.

The burgers at McDonald's taste like someone mixed beef with sugar.

I wanted plastic surgery to get rid of my extra nipple. My insurance turned me down.

I was kicked out of school in the 7th grade because I hit my teacher with a wiffle ball bat that had a tack sticking out of it.

I went to my Mother's house to mow the lawn. My Stepfather was watching TV.

I was 9 years old when my Mother called me a "pyromaniac". I called her a "bitch".

I was late for work last Tuesday. My job, fry cook at Arby's.

Wendy Williams looks like a man in drag. My Stepfather is attracted to her.

When I was 8 years old, I burned down my doghouse. My hamster was in there.

The New Horizons probe should reach Pluto by July 14,2015. We will have our first detailed look at Pluto. I can finally throw away my Encyclopedia Britannica from 1983.

I had hash browns for breakfast. It didn't taste very well. Too much salt.

I had lamb for the 4th.