When I'm elected President, the internet will have a secret passcode that only the smartest people will know.

When I'm elected President, we'll get rid of these fake comedians, send them to Canada for good, and replace them with Americans that have a genuine sense of humor, such as Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly.

OJ will be pardoned on day 1, and I will pay him to sing and dance for me.

"Secretary of How Could It Be Any Worse"

I don't know what that word means. Why is there a Z in the middle? That's unamerican.

When I'm elected President, Larry Wilmore will by my Secretary of Black People.

#MakeAmyShumerFunnyAgain

When I'm elected President, I'll appoint Amy Shumer as Secretary of Awesome.

When I become president, our Olympians will be able to lie with impunity.