“I wish I could tell you that Kevin fought the good fight, and the Lakers let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but the league is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it...but we all knew.”

“I see nothing suspicious whatsoever”
- Kevin McHale

You can’t have fish without a tank.

The only sadder career arc than “drafted by the Kings, traded to the Sixers, then traded to the Nets” is “drafted by the Celtics, then died.”

For me his greatest crime was opening two doors on his advent calendar on the same day.

More like ‘not’ stove.....amirite!?

Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

I prefer my Swiffers without swollen anal glands.

I’m probably taking this personally, as I just lost 80 year old father at 26, but I’m going to quote my 71 year old mother: having older parents is better than never being born at all.

Are you on the spectrum?

Honestly, if you’re gonna be white and quote a rap lyric for your super clever tweet, you have two options: Either say the quote verbatim, no censorship, or don’t fucking say it. Putting asterisks just lets people know you know you shouldn’t fucking say it, but you wanna be a bitch and have your cake and eat it too.

The Chargers would kill for attendance like that!

You know Ratner will be paid off to give up his stake, right? So he will still make a bunch of money.

*Googles “How long am I supposed to last without protection?”*

Is it a video of his honeymoon with Ciara?

All he needs to do now is suddenly claim he’s Gay and seeking treatment.

Jokes on him - Jays are non-migratory!

Although he may best be remembered for his no hitter/perfect game with the Phillies, Halladay will always be a Blue Jay, especially since he was still flying south for the winter.