SO much easier to be like that when they're dead though.

I'm really glad I like my parents.

You wouldn't like me a server; because chances are I carried you plate out of sight, waited a few minutes and the brought the same one back.

Could you get over yourself? Not to harp on the OP, but there was a better more direct way to handle this problem. It didn't happen in this case (or took far too long to get there) but being a jerk to people who point this out is just... jerky.

Apparently, all of the servers in these stories have met my mother.

This is insanity. Hopefully she doesn't have to write more than "They're alive and you're a murderous fucking bastard".

If a child crying for a minute is a sign they should be left home then toddlers should just never appear in public, ever.

That's fine. Just don't do what I do, and drunk-cut your bangs.

Rihanardo. RIHANARDO. DAMNIT, people.

DiCapRihO is better than RihCaprio

I'm sorry, but no one eats p—— as much as the guy in that book.

When taking your SO to a Neutral Milk Hotel reunion concert on V-Day DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT also bring along your best friend. #whatwasithinking

Are you Andre 3000? Because if so then YES I WILL BE YES.

How about cunnilingus so good it makes sparks fly out of her pussy?

Husband popped out and grabbed some flowers for me this morning when I wasn't paying attention. ("Hm, I wonder what Husband is up to? He's awfully quiet..." No shit, he was at the flower shop, dummy). He walked in with a big bouquet, and it was the most wonderful thing because I fucking LOVE flowers, but we've been to…

Just gonna blast Outkast's "Happy Valentine's Day" out my window all day as an open invitation to be my valentine to any woman walking by.

Thanks, I guess so, but it would have been nice for them to say goodbye. I got the chance to say goodbye to my dad last year and it made me feel even worse for my poor mum.

That's a heavy one to have to carry with you. I'm sorry.

That actually made me sad. Being a virgin isn't embarrassing! And, frankly, if your friends couldn't understand why you would lie to them about this, which is admittedly a silly, victimless lie, then fuck them. But, it's not like your sex life is really any of their business.

Word of advice, though. When/if you lose…

Yesterday I saw a guy wearing basketball shorts, Adidas rubber slippers with socks, and a wool pullover with Celtic patterns.