I have laid it all out on the line, that I am going to be the fucking WORST pregnant woman ever and he better just keep bringing me food and rubbing my feet and playing roseanne reruns for the entirety of the ordeal.

It’s the waxy coating: they’re little cheesy creatures that are blue, shriveled and slug-like. They don’t get cute for a few months at least and even then...

Can’t we all just stick to Instagramming our lunch and or dinner and call it a day?

Right?! Ugh, no pictures until it’s clean. And past that red, rashy, wrinkled old man phase.

I know it’s stereotypical to say, but ugh, men.

omg newborn babies are disgusting.

You know his kids bought him Dave Barry books. Those are like the ultimate Florida Dad read.

Unless Baby Hitler was on life support in a permanently vegetative state leading Ma and Pa Hitler to make the unimaginable decision to remove the feeding tube. In that case, Jeb! would totally be all “You can’t just kill Hitler like that. I’ll get my brother to convene Congress to save baby Hitler.”

Jeez, haven’t these people read ANY time-travel fiction? Stuff like that always backfires. You kill baby Hitler, you’ll end up with robo-dinosaur Himmler in charge, who would be far, far worse. That’s how time-travel works: NEVER MESS WITH THE TIMELINE.

@Chloe Grace Moretz.

They’re both guilty. She could have replied with something like, “I disagree.” and leave it at that.

Things like this illustrate the fact that everyone has different tastes. Because good god are these ugly to my eyes, yet others are shelling out a few hundred dollars to buy them. I have yet too see Star Wars heels that I like. For now they only seem to come in, tacky and dear god why:

So Vivica is basically peddling homophobia in order to get in a dig at an ex she broke up with a decade ago?! Consider how all this reflects on her versus him (if it were even true) and which is worse.

That’s like....the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

The View is allegedly trying to hire Gwyneth Paltrow. Let that sink in for a second

So I should keep my discount appendectomy and kidney transplant vouchers then? It was such a good bargain!

“There I was, enjoying a light repast at the Applebuddies club, engaging in a fine and stimulating discussion of Amanda McKittrick Ros’s brilliant use of simile and metaphor, when suddenly what should assault my ears but some jenny foreigner defiling the rarefied air of our great nation with her native tongue! Well I…

I’m happier about the hidden dog.

Watch out, prime minister of malaysia

You know how Mugatu and his shadowy kabal of fashion designers recruit Derek to be their agent of evil in Zoolander because Derek’s natural stupidity and immaturity (which is only made worse by the fact that his chosen industry caters to his ego) renders him the perfect puppet? That’s what I feel Tom Cruise is like…