I am imaging something closer to a Silkwood scrubdown, involving actual flesh removal and lots of bleach. But enough about my last sexual encounter...

And shame, don't forget the shame.

They tried to make my oldest sign a purity pledge for a grade in middle school. Oh the howling they had to listen to from me. There may have been some very pointed instructions as to what they could do with that pledge and how it wasn't a fucking church but a fucking public school thankyouverymuch. I try to be…

You know, that sounds about right. I think some very strict Catholics believe in having sex only for procreation, at least the one I worked with did. Funny how his computer was always getting viruses from the tons and tons of porn he downloaded. What a sinner lol.

I saw her legs all the way from the thigh to the ankle. Now I have to take a cold shower and put on a hair shirt because I feel soiled.

Brb, having a rage stroke. They pulled the same shit at my son's school too, taking them out to some christian teen center to brainwash them and fill their minds with misinformation and outright lies. You know, I understand if they don't want to teach kids about sex ed and keep them ignorant, but goddammit with the…

Oh, no, it's been done. I seem to remember reading something about a sect that refused to have sex, causing them to eventually dwindle out but my google fu is weak and I can't find it. But restrictions on married sex still continue in religion. Pope John Paul II urged husbands "not to commit adultery with their wives…

*sniff* you mean it? That's so giving. Now I'm judging you for being too generous.

I'm a big fan of dispensing the vaginal hug.

It's no fun when I'm given permission to be judgemental. :(

I can't judge on that handjob tho, mine would be lackluster because of my carpal tunnel and short attention span. I would get bored about halfway through and start playing Candy Crush.

Obligatory...

Anyone who has ever bought a car can tell you that is a terrible idea. Amateurs.

Suuuuuure. I mean, I toooootally wasn't judging you. At all.

Now there is a creepy twist I didn't think about.

Beat me to it sister. I've got my one good eye on you. The other is eyeballing those delicious Subway sandwiches from that sad little birthday shindig.

No, they were forbidden from kissing, holding hands, doing a full on hug or any physical contact before marriage. Clearly fundamentalists are forgetting the value of the "try before you buy" axiom.

*ugh* Jeez Kirk, that was just creepy. I can get saving sex for marriage, but not kissing? That's dirty too? I've lost track of what a good christian is supposed to do, mostly because I'm a great big whore that kisses AND screws (sometimes on the first date *gasp*).

I'm more excited by Chris Hardwick. He is so nerdy and hot, he makes my pocket protector melt into a moist pile of goo.

Oh, and I forgot to add that you are sufficiently impressive to me. Everyone puts on a smile in public but most are secretly miserable, even the rich ones. Buy something fabulous and bring a flask. You may surprise yourself by having fun.