Can we talk about this woman's name for just a moment? Spike Dolomite Ward

No spirit fingers?? fail.

Unfortunately, flying sucks with our without children. Crappy kids don't ruin flying, they just make a bad flight awful. That said, don't take people's shitty looks too personally.

We started our relationship with her delicious Velveeta shells and cheese; we ended with beef jerky and a note from her that said, "I've thought about it. No." While she left a hole in my heart, she filled my stomach. A class act all the way.

The worst part is all those pink slips they now have to mail out will get there a day later.

[en.wikipedia.org]

That's because most men prefer their women to use Bounty. We are totally threatened, however, by Brawny.

Meh. Too old.

"This is the third New York City school pepper-spraying since the beginning of November"

Way to poultry-shame.

I really hope he isn't the type to bite his nails.

Nope. Not gonna do it. After I took one sip of their bacon soda and almost vomited, I swore off of Jones Soda.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I used to be an athiest unitl I met this guy (Pete) who did a terrible job of fixing my furnace.

One thing that has always given me solace is that line from an Ok Go song that goes "Mediocre people do exceptional things all the time."

Yogurt tastes like bad breath. - Bill Cosby

As someone who is prone to scraping his ears with pen caps, it would be nice to see a pen with a Q-tip on the end.

My 20 month old is totally a passive-agressive body snarker. I was wearing a purple shirt and she called me Barney. I said, "How can you be so judgey when you shit yourself?" She muttered something that sounded like, "Whatevs . . . Barney."

I would like my whole body to be dumped in the ocean. That or I'd like to be deep fried and put on display near the snack bar of various state fairs.

We need to get Mike Rowe from 'Dirty Jobs' to cover the Tibetian Sky Burial.