Introducing our new Captain, of the vessel Titanic. All aboard for smooth sailing and probably a shit-ton of rape. It’s Roman fucking Polansky’s “Love Boat.”

Please focus your hate at Drew. You could be the next “funbag shits himself.”

If a soccer player succeeds, but no-one who speaks phonetically correct English sees it, did it actually happen? Asking for a snide friend.

I still don’t know which one of those guys is Spartacus.

A text: “Fuzzy says you can come pick up the money”.

Pedant, pedant...pedant pedant pedant

In fairness to Ol’ Rog, I’d sell my soul to Jerry Jones for less than $30M annually.

And suddenly, I saw...the hat. Blurry, but familiar. I then thought, WHO ACCESSORIZES A STACK OF BOOKS WITH A MAGA HAT? Total faux pas.

I know you’ve heard of “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain,” but I guess you’ve never heard the adage “Shields and Holland and maybe Quintana for three more months”?

Anybody who draws a pension (looking at you, my local tea party repub city and county officials) cannot truly believe in a free market, right? And yes, I am in Illinois.

I agree, and I don’t really care for soccer. In fact, this story about soccer is better than any moment of soccer I have ever witnessed.

Kids: If you run headfirst into people running headfirst at you (and/or go to college in Florida), this happens. You have been warned.

Done.

He should have gone after Arnold, maybe even gotten consent. I believe Gary Coleman is 57 years old in that photo.

Arnold actually ditched Dudley there, so...

Canada losing at hockey is like me being out drank by a Mormon. Humiliating, and possibly an indicator of a larger, looming problem.

Worth every fucking penny. Pay the ladies!

Goddamn polite Canadians. Makes me sick. Enjoy your single-payer healthcare and low rates of violent crimes, losers!

Please, please keep in mind that you would be talking about the least-liked presidential candidate in the history of the United States, but for the birth of Donald Trump.

Just tell him you are addicted to abortions ... and Jesus. Then watch his head explode.