First: What Mrs. Landon Alger said.

Having children is harmful to children.

Yes.

The horror!

Yes.

I have a friend whose kid wouldn't put "spices and herbs and pickled things" in his mouth if you threatened to take away his iPad (you monster).

Can we please just admit that Twitter was a huge mistake and pretend it never happened?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

God damn it.

Wrong. I don't care much about graphics in video games one way or another, but since that's the analogy. . . .

Just saw it. Very disappointing.

Exactly the kind of people who are capable of believing that everything that happens does so by the grace of an omnipotent being who gives a shit about anything.

I'm going to go out and watch the fireworks, because I like them. But patriotism — like all varieties of allegiance based on accident and circumstance — is stupid.

How long do you need to live before you realize that getting the thing you wanted often leaves you wondering why the hell you wanted it?

I'm just glad they rarely do.

Nah, I came late to drinking. (I came late to all the good stuff, and spent my actual youth doing stupid shit like being married and giving a fuck about other people's expectations.) Consequently, I only had about five years of "I'm going to drink and have a good time" before settling into a decade or so of "I'm…

Drinking is fun.

The first and only time I've actually heard or seen Ed fucking Sheeran was his appearance on SNL, and I don't know exactly why, but now I can't see his name without mentally appending the phrase "singing ballsack" to the front of it (e.g., "Jamie Foxx is responsible for the rise of singing ballsack Ed Sheeran").

I can't remember where I saw him described as a man whose supply of adjectives began and ended with "terrific" and "terrible," but yeah.

Here's the thing that keeps me awake, though: