If somebody’s around you and they ever say, ‘I will definitely  send my daughter to Baylor,’ you knock them right in the face.

I think he is actually using this fake rubber hand! It’s the exact same color.

Oh Libruls, don’t let a few numbers get you all confused. Most of that 24mil will be dead from lack of coverage long before then.

That’s why it’s always good to have wood heat to fall back on. So stock up on Viagra.

I got It! You sounded like half the people I’ve unfollowed in Facebook.

Trusting a team that took Johnny Manziel in the first round to make smart draft decisions with even more picks is like trusting an alcoholic to watch the bar.

I grew up in a mainstream church in the Bible Belt. They indoctrinated us kids with a ton of “It’s all about love! We love everyone!” But as I got older, I realized their brand of “love” was strictly conditional:

You’re absolutely right...real Christians would be stoning these young people to death.

Either way, we should all definitely be following a 2,000 year old book as law. I mean, what’s changed since then?

and people wonder why people are leaving the church and never looking back.

The World Cup is going to be a mess, especially when the cameras pan to the President’s suite and Trump is giving Putin an over-the-pants handy.

Hey here’s a fun thing; consider what kind of world we’d be living in if 2009 had opened with the following headlines.

This is a whopper of a mistake by Trump. The Feds had him (and his mob family) under investigation for some time, with respect to Russian money laundering. A year ago, they sought a FISA warrant to wiretap Trump Tower but the judge refused it for insufficient evidence.

Looks like he didn’t need the psychological testing after all. The male hospital worker did it for him.

Don’t fuck with hospital workers. They go through enough real shit to have to put up with this shit.

Fake News. That’s clearly Florida Man in a gator costume.

Look at that Gator just fucking strutting along like, “Check this out, assholes. This is my fish. You got a fish like this? Didn’t fucking think so.”

That’s a liberal definition of ‘logic’

“Being president is hard. I mean, who knew healthcare was so complicated?!? You know what’s fun, though...traveling around the country, getting up in front of crowds, talking about myself and then they cheer! And the losers who don’t like me...I can rip them up and whadda they gonna do about it? Nothing! The people…