@MissMollyKate: My bad. I've always loved that story, but apparently I should read it again.

@Hamsterpants: I don't understand either. And shouldn't it be "She would have been a good woman? Not snarking. This English major honestly doesn't know.

My weight fluctuates when:

This is ALL kinds of nasty. My nephew is 12. And I would cut a 12-year-old bitch if she tried to have sex with him. I don't even know what I would do to a 28-year-old PREDATOR.

I'm so sorry and you really are beautiful—you played Helen of Troy for christ's sake! But I'm leaving you. For descent.

I will not jump off a moving tractor into a pile of shit covering a bed of machetes, I will not jump off...

You have to be sexy, but not too sexy. Duh. Also, it helps if you bring your own donut for oral, hot candle wax for any purpose, and something to put up your butt during the talent portion.

As he very well should. She is and has always been the definition of fiiiierrrce.

Where is a speeding side-swipe when you need one?

Oh Jude. Come on.

@jetztinberlin: Mmmmm, Gramercy Tavern. Almost worth a trip to New York for dinner. Best restaurant ever.

@leesie: Aw man, it was that Robert Duvall? How disappointing.

Aniston loves herself some assholes. Stars really are just like us!

I blame you, Claire Huxtable, for leading me down this career path. You made it look awesome, but it just ain't for me.

@BrutallyHonestBabes: That's right. Represent!

I always liked "Dashiell," but only because I loved The Incredibles and want a really fast kid I can call Dash.

Remind yourself how much you hate your job when layoffs appear imminent!

These Africans and their rituals. So exotic and weird! Not totally normal like a culture where societal norms say you should painfully wax off your body's natural hair and inject poison into your face.

@MizJenkins: Took the words out my mouth.

@badmutha: Oh I love a well-timed fart, but I also love action movies from the 80s and 90s, so I just assumed I was kind of a boy.