This is it. The most privileged article ever published on Jezebel. You did it guys. WE did it.

To be fair it is a truly Columbus Day related story. You see, in the same way Columbus discovered America is exactly the same way these women discovered braids. It all fits!

Fujin captures my feelings perfectly.

He's a hack. There's no art in his work. It's so obvious and boring and trying to be offensive that it's just... sigh. How does he keep getting paid?

What bugged me the most about those photos were the reflections of the flash and fucking Terry Richardson in the mirror! It's not enough that they're provocative photos of Miley in a thong...they're even MORE shocking because HE'S taking them. He's gross, but those photos made him look like a shitty photographer and a…

Do no female pop stars have labia? That is what I get horribly confused about.

This is a really lame reaction on my part, but it totally grosses me out that she is wearing her boots while standing in her bed.

I like "partner", but I grew up in Calgary and have trouble saying it without spontaneously adopting a terrible western accent and breaking into line dance.

Oh, Britney. My heart breaks for this woman. She always looks so unhappy lately, like she is being forced to do all this showbiz stuff and she just wants to be left alone to raise her kids. What's the deal there? Is her money still in a conservatorship? Is she being manipulated? Can she quit if she wants to?

Really? Calling a morally bankrupt woman shameful and bigoted isn't much better than kicking your child out of the house because he likes boys?

My bed is supposed to wear underpants?

This is more confusing than I thought . . .

All of that seems like really, really good advice.

But I have a more, um, rudimentary question:

The mattress — Do I sleep on top of it? Or does it sleep on top of me?

Thanks in advance.

I love when people tell me how traumatized I must be, and that's probably why I do porn. Also, I love it when people tell me I don't have any agency, because if I did obviously I wouldn't be in porn, right? SIGH

I mean why listen to the porn stars themselves? They might be women, but they're probably silly women whose…

Yeaaaaah I've never been one to care about "letting it breathe" or whatever the fuck bullshit people say. You pour wine into my glass I expect to see more wine than empty glass. Seriously the thing is as big as my two fists put together and you're dribbling in a little stream that I finish in two swallows?

How…

What the hell is a 'glass' of wine?

I do not think it's at all shallow or vain to not want adverse side effects from your medications!

I had a really horrible day, so I just want to talk about something ridiculously stupid.

Weirdly, while in a Mexican tourist resort, the only drug offered to me was peyote (my friend kept getting offered coke and weed). I made a face and said, "No way, I hear it makes you vomit," and the dealer shrugged and said, "Only a little."

My mom was telling me about her acid days and told me she SWORE she "saw Jack Bruce (of Cream) playing his bass in the middle of the street." Mine was being on a golf course on acid, deciding I wanted to cocoon myself, and my visions within the cocoon were me flying in a blender over my hometown, I was wrapped in my…

Reminds me of that time my dork cousin said he drank so much he thought he was flying.