You're a complete fucking idiot.

That's the one! The woman in the song is singing that to a man who's bought her services as a prostitute, but can't fuck her because he realises she's someone he knew from school. So rather than just back out he gives her a long-ass lecture on how she should have some self-respect and keep her legs together. This…

I was hoping this would be an adaptation of the book of the same name by David M Friedman, about Charles Lindbergh teaming up with a scientist and fellow Nazi sympathizer to try and create a race of immortal supermen. I know that sounds like the plot of a really hacky steampunk novel, but it's a true story, and an…

'What Would You Do' - I think it was by a band called City High? A truly godawful attempt at a moral-dilemma song by a band who just sound like horrible people. I don't even know anything about them as people. You can just see their rotten souls in that song and its lyrics.

The old Universal monster movies are some of my favourite horror movies - I'd love these new ones to be good, and get some good directors. But when the first moves a studio makes are "assemble brain trust headed by Alex Kurtzmann" and "shoehorn franchise stuff into cruddy Dracula actioner", it doesn't bode well for…

If someone pointed to that photo and said "That guy's a Brony", you wouldn't hesitate to believe it, would you?

That would be hilarious. "Now, I know there's been some bad blood between you two over the years…"

The review seems to imply Swanberg is cast as a person of dangerous sexual fascination, which is only workable if the character with the sexual interest in him is also played by Swanberg.

Ow! God! Ah!

Jesus Christ, get it into your head, nobody wants to see your stupid fucking sex tape.

Not quite the same thing, but I was always amused by the number of people who thought Blur did a song called 'Woo Hoo'.

It's cheapened by the fact that, in the UK at least, it's sparked a pestilence of people doing slowed-down acoustic cover versions of pop/electronic hits in a desperate attempt to show 'depth'. Usually covers of songs by artists like the xx and Keane where you don't have to dig particularly deep to find the sadness,…

For a while, I could focus on the teenage angst and oddball comedy, and assume Kelly just meant the time-travel stuff to be a metaphor. Everything he's done since has confirmed he thought the quantum nonsense was the meat of the story, and the good bits were just window dressing.

If Hitchens was as smart as he pretended to be, he'd have worked out waterboarding was torture based on historical evidence, logic and empathy.

Saying "it's the same as the Biblical story of Creation!" doesn't necessarily mean it's not stupid, of course.

True, but after Captain America 2 I don't think we'll be seeing Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff or Nick Fury drawn another government paycheque any time soon.

I would genuinely like to live in this alternative universe where Hollywood accountants have put the kibosh on studios investing in too many Hunger Games knock-offs. Because it is not the one I live in.

Nick Pinkerton, repeatedly, while daydreaming about how smugly contrarian his next Sight & Sound review is going to be.

No surprise Tony Kaye relates to the only person whose Hollywood career took an even bigger nose-dive than his. (I still love the mad bastard, though)

Similarly, Tina Fey as a Russian gulag guard made that last Muppets movie into an unusually erotic experience.