I mean, if they’re willing to pay me, I do have this bank account that doesn’t have nearly enough money in it ...

You’re right, you don’t know what I’ve accomplished.

Nah, I can’t listen to it anymore. Art Bell had at least a hint of skepticism, which meant the worst callers got ridiculed or dumped. The guys who took over after he retired believe everything, which took the fun out of it.

Deadspin’s worship of Roger Goodell is getting old, too. Plus its adoration for St. Louis Cardinals fans is totally out of hand.

There is no “cure for cancer” and there will never be a “cure for cancer” because cancer is not one enemy to be defeated, it is dozens (if not hundreds) of enemies that each need to be confronted. It’s a catchall term for a whole host of terrible diseases that share some common mechanisms.

For all we know the porgs are cannibalistic and they jumped right on that thing the moment he looked away.

Yeah, Bigelow used to be a regular guest on Coast-to-Coast AM (for all I know he still is) and he was always pushing alien conspiracies. The goofs who call into that show were great for keeping me awake when driving at night.

Then after Trump and Ball defeat the aliens, we discover that the visitors were benevolent and were here to usher in a golden age of peace and prosperity ...

Boy, the stealth marketing for the next season of The X-Files has really stepped it up. Which will make it all the more disappointing when the show sucks again ...

I thought this was going to be about that one porg...

“Listen Jeff, we have very high standards for our head coach. We expect you to show up for every single game for years on end.”

Somewhere, Jeff Fisher just got very excited.

Is there a Canadian dating app called Hoser?

If I was has paperboy, I would quit just to avoid having any tangential connection to him.

The meeting of people who believe Weinstein’s rebuttals will be convening on Feb. 30 at the Howard Johnson’s Restaurant in Atlantis. Travel arrangements via the Titanic or Pan Am Airlines are available. Anyone who brings a live dodo bird gets a free dessert.

If you’re just starting now, you’re still way ahead of Harvey himself ...

Absurdism only tangentially related to the topic at hand has always been a staple of the AV Club commentariat. Used to be we didn’t have to explain that kind of thing, in the pre-Kinja days ...

Is there really no market for someone to make and sell an eco-friendly artificial tree? I personally don’t like killing something just to decorate my living room for a couple of weeks, nor am I a fan of the environmental damage an artificial tree does. So I’m unhappy with either choice. Give me a third option, please!

It is if you’re watching the Atlanta Hawks, but fortunately they don’t play on Christmas so it’s all good.

It was a running joke among my friends and I, “Whatever happened to Mira Sorvino? Wasn’t she supposed to be a big deal?” I feel like such an idiot now. Had no idea she was being blacklisted, and for disgusting reasons, too. Hollywood owes them both (and many others) a career resurgence, if they’re interested in such.…