Weird, my wife’s parents got engaged after only a few months of dating and have been happily married with three kids for at least 40 years now.

Awesome! Could use a new panty box.

Awesome! Could use a new panty box.

Can’t blame the Colonel wanting a side order of thighs.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

I can take or leave either one, so I guess confirmed in my case? I wonder if it varies inversely.

Anecdata: Nope. I like red velvet cake (though quality does vary widely), and do not like ranch.

After the first paragraph, lemme see what I can manage -

This is nothing. The New York Mets have been pretending to be a pro-style team for 53 years.

Enchantment?

True Story...

Me too. I said it out loud and was looking at it in many different ways. I kept trying to figure out what wine would be “mug-a-chino” and all I could think of is Malbec or Manachevitz.

I could probably submit one of these about myself. Many years ago when Subway sandwich shops were rocketing to the top of the national consciousness with the “Subway diet” I stopped in one day to eat with my family. I was a teenager and was waiting behind my family not really paying attention until I got up to the…

“HOW WAS THIS EVER PUBLISHED?”

Ohhhhhhhhhhh,
Who knows about cucumbers under the sea?
THIS-EM-PLOY-EE!
But never set foot in a garden has she!
THIS-EM-PLOY-EE!

I work very close to a tower of dicks...

I worked the drive thru at McDonald's as a teenager. I was the perky, "Have a super day!" girl on staff that I'm sure everyone hated. I'm positive they were staring at my back, silently wishing the swift and inevitable crushing weight of adulthood on my chipper demeanor. Who could blame them?

Since when did they turn the Captain's outfit white and gold?

I love hot cream in my mouth in the morning.

I came back from the doctor and said I probably couldn't get pregnant without a lot of help - help I've decided I didn't want. He hugged me, said it was OK, and asked me to marry him. Right there, in the hallway, with a litter box not 2 feet away. I said no.