I really hope that Khaled’s default salutation is “Bless Up.” Like, every time he answers his phone, it’s “Hi X, Bless Up!” Like even if it’s his accountant or lawyer or something.

The GOP blew a 237-193 lead in the House.

I always assumed Steve Bannon‘s origin story involved a bottle of Dewars and a tube of hemorrhoid cream exposed to Gamma radiation.

“Hey John, have you won anything yet?”

I want to see a venn diagram of overlapping hardsextube.com and nationalreview.com account holders.

“Pardon me?”

I am hoping that before they left, the Obama’s installed in the White House three animatronic ghosts programmed to visit Trump on Christmas Eve.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HE MIGHT BE LISTENING

WHAT’S IN THE BOX DARREN

Of course she loves him.. That’s why I am choosing to support the alternative news that she’s still in Washington, D.C. supporting her The Husband right now.

Psh, this guy basically wrote the book on hiring foreigners and stashing assets abroad.

I don’t know who the owner of this house will be, but I guarantee you he will have a magnificent, enormous penis that ladies enjoy.

*Watersportsgate

Trump: You know, Luke was a terrible Jedi. That’s true. He didn’t complete his training with Yoda and got his hand chopped off by his dad. Sad. I’d never get my hand chopped off, and that has nothing to do with the size of my hands. My hands are actually huge. They’re luxurious. They’re the best hands.

I actually take a break from the gym for 3 weeks each January. That gets past 70% of the new members.

Are we going to be following the views of these voters as the term progresses?

For all the rage that 2016 gave me: I’m coming for you, 2017.

Back in my day, we only got three television channels and ate warm gravel for dinner! AND WE LOVED IT!!!!

No Tom Friedman? Boo.