I mean, to be fair to bookend guy, that at least sounds like he was trying (but just tacky).

Haha, I knew about sperm too but had no idea how it got in there. Later I learned there was an “insertion,” but I didn’t know there was an erection. I actually pictured that a man and woman had to have sex sort of like sciossring (with each other’s feet at each other’s head) to get it in. Later I snuck into the adult…

I did not have “the talk”, not once. The sexual education I had went like this:

He had no idea why I wasn’t thrilled to get it. I mean, Animaniacs was a good cartoon, but I wasn’t a huge fan of it or anything. Plus we were in our 20's, so why I’d be putting money in a piggy bank at that point?

My worst gift from a boyfriend was flowers. Fake flowers. Fake bright blue flowers with glitter on them. Apparently when he had called up to ask me what my favorite color was the day before, it was so that he could get flowers in that color. Since he couldn’t find any real blue flowers, he bought these chintzy-ass…

If it were $275 worth of Costco sized packages of Charmin, then I would be excited.

It’s sad that I may actually be able to top that. #1 worst gift I’ve recieved from any man ever was from my crazy ex for Christmas. He bought a cheap angel ornament and glued a photo of his face to it. Saddest part is that I dated him for another year after that.

Mine are:

The boyfriend was already an ex when the roses were sent? eeesh, that’s rough.

If my (nonexistent) boyfriend got me a cream to make my ass and my boobs bigger for Valentines Day, I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Nothing says romance like, “Your ass and tits could use a little work, babe.” Is this why I’m single? If so, I’ll keep it that way.

Oh god, I had to read this about 4 times before I realized that the IRS agent was making the dispensary owner pay off the IRS agent’s student loans. I was reading it that the IRS agent made the dispensary owner pay off his own student loans, and I could not, for the life of me, figure out why he would care.

LOL @ these rich white feminists demanding we support Hillary. Senator Nina Turner told an interesting story about how she was scolded like a child by her female colleagues for endorsing Bernie.

I do too and you’re exactly right.

Sludge is such a good word for this. I’m not sure any of it’s actually solid. It just slides right through.

And micro cilantro. It just has that special cilantro-ness that you cant get from regular cilantro.

I like Irish Breakfast tea with milk and a little sugar.

You guys she lost one of her avocado nipples. Everyone stop doing everything and help her find it.

I wonder if it bothers her that her last name is Bacon. Has she tried to change it to something healthier, like Amanda Chia Seeds?

Literally not one interesting or important thing has ever happened, historically, before 11.30 AM. Stay the fuck in bed, people.