Your teacher sucks. I’m a teacher. I do not question stomach aches (though, I have 5th graders, so it’s past the incessent “I have a tummy ache” years), and I can spot a pale kid about to puke from a mile away. My kids know that if they have to puke, go. Do not sign out in the sign out book. Do not collect $200.

Mmmmmmm Bobby Cannavale.

I was with a dude who liked to finish on my glasses.

edit for clarification: obviously while I was wearing them, not just like...swing over and jizz all over them on my nightstand.

My daughter was born that day. The anesthesiologist was inserting my IV when it came on the news. I told him that if Bush died while I was under not to wake me up because I didn’t want to live in a world where Dan Quayle was president. When he woke me up, the first thing he told me was that Bush was still alive.

Ah hahahahahaha laughing really hard at the idea of LeAnn Rimes being Angelina Jolie in this metaphor.

Am I a bad person for wanting as much OJ trial related coverage as possible? Prequels, documentaries, Kato Kaelin truther podcasts, I can literally never get enough. #FreeOJ

Pretty sure they spin the shotgun and whatever the bullet hits, that’s what they name the baby.

The names are so, so, so bad. If anyone ever tries to complain to me about “black” names I’m throwing out the Palins’ with their stupid names.

They peruse old Mad Magazines and look for Don Martin sound effects?

I’m still enjoying the allegations that Trig isn’t Sarah’s kid and she faked it to protect Bristol.

The most exciting part of this story is that there’s a whole new Sailor Scout I didn’t know about.

Maybe because America lacks the rigid class structure of the UK? Like, Lady so-and-so is born in to a position where she is expected to have a somewhat public life, be a debutante, be on the board of certain charities, etc. we don’t have that in the US, and so a “democratic” competition to choose someone from any…

I don’t know Teddy. I’m a Mexican economist who crossed the border currently working for...wait for it, THE GOVMINT. My friends are Mexicans and other foreigners (one of them is a half Mexican Muslim woman, the horror) with PhDs in math, biostatistics, psychology, economics, biology and engineering. I think we are…

Most of the immigrants arrested today seeking asylum aren’t from Mexico, they’re from Guatemala or Venezuela where they’re facing real, life threatening situations just as Cubans fleeing Castro did. The same Castro btw, that Cruz’s father fought for and helped put in power.

But remember, to the GOP, it was a choice you made, not something you were born with.

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio don’t get to say shit about illegal immigration, not one word. You know how many illegal Cuban immigrants there are in the US? None, because it’s not possible to be an illegal Cuban immigrant in the US. The US immigration policy towards Cuba is that if you get 1 foot on US soil, you’re here…

When RedBull was newish, they came out with Tab Energy. It came in a slim pink can, tasted NOTHING like tab, and was pink and fizzy. Marketing got me, and I loved that shit in college. It was lightly carbonated, and tasted great, IMHO. Clearly, no one else agreed with me.

IT’S NOT PERFECT

Sorry, the lock on the cage somehow came lose. We’ll tighten the restraints this time. EVERYONE GET IN THE VAN.