I'd have to be forcibly removed after attempting to get the dog and Putin in matching sweaters.

Theres nothing in this world that can't be solved by more puppies.

Speaking from what my doctors told me, and the women who had been through the procedure, medically administered abortions at home are painful and horrifying. The “surgical” experience took a few minutes, and I was mostly sedated.

Sometimes I want to go back in time and bring my 14 YO self to see the future for a day. "John Stewart is serious now? The guy who does the funny fake news? WHAT? DONALD TRUMP? GOOGLE AND AMAZON RUN THE WORLD? WHERE IS ASK JEEVES AND BLOCKBUSTER????? NETFLIX AND WHAT? AHHHHH!"

That bitch Sheila. To this day, I assume every woman with that name is evil.

I did the same thing when a dude tried to tell me sandy hook was staged

When I worked for Home Depot, they gave us a training video about keeping an eye out for large purchases of fertilizer and tools to make detonators. Personally, I was always suspicious of white, well dressed men buying muriatic acid. It's pool cleaner, but not to dahmer types.

One of my best friends looks OK without a beard, but slap some face candy on it, and damn.

I’d keep the baby out of spite. Like hey everybody, here’s our beautiful child. I’m raising him/her a liberal to piss off their stupid dad.

I have a republican paramour (sex buddy, this one means sex buddy).

She was shilling Christian self help books on her facebook page, and she banned me from commenting when I mocked her for it.

What if you just like reading the quotes to make fun of dumb people?

We have a lot of really good restaurants and the best chinese food outside of Seattle. Also, our Mayor is a super cool lesbian. And theres our super strong economy, and that 10 years old and going strong rumor that we will get a Disney land. All part of my “We’re not COMPLETE crap: a guide to Houston”.

I had this happen, but to be fair I was drunk in the club and wouldn't come out of the bathroom stall.

In my current situation where the bathroom is located next to the cubes, no. However, in my last office, I would hunt for restrooms on unoccupied floors. Worst experience: A maintenance guy who had to do some work on an empty bathroom during my lunch hour and just kept knocking on the door asking when I would be…

Yeah I keep thinking about Amanda Knox who had to go through multiple guilty-not guilty-wait guys, lets try her again-trials. I haven’t read up with the Pistorious case (he did do it, as opposed to all of the different vantage points you have to look through in the case of Knox) but the idea of being entangled in a…

At my last office, there were multiple floors, and I took to going to an empty restroom where there were no businesses. I called it the Princess bathroom, and it was amazing, until an actual business began renting near there.

My anxiety turned into a form of something similar to IBS in college, and I ended up finding a secret bathroom to use in the evenings. Then one horrible rainy night, I was doing my secret, awful business, and a pack of girls came in, and I just sat there, frozen, waiting for them to pass.

That face will haunt all my dreams. Please re-do with a tasteful beard. That poor man needs it

People who twosie in public restrooms should be tagged so us civilized folk can know to shun them.