“When my parakeet died, she didn't express the proper amount of empathy. Also, she slept with my bestfriend." Nameless rando ex-boyfriend.

Stop lying, that was Matthew perry. Not even cute Matt Perry, post-rehab "Chandler is working in Oklahoma" perry.

Ugh they never let that poor girl from Van Nuys bang Steve, and they gave her a loser husband, and a loser baby.

Was this the one who drugged Brandon? Also, maybe Tori's sex-person was Peyton from One Tree Hill BECAUSE CROSS-OVER FAN FIC TIME TRAVELING RICH KIDS.

Too soon!

People become so obsessed with having an identity that they will literally destroy themselves to better align themselves with whatever they feel they are.

LETS MAKE AN UNDERWEAR STORE GEARED TOWARDS PEARL CLUTCHING BIDDIES CALLED THIS

I hate how they having KeKe Palmer act. "Hi. I'm obviously black. I can't just be your friend, I have to be your token ethnic 'sassy sidekick'." Not my Akeehlah, you don't.

Bernie Sanders needs that butt as his running mate. Its the only way he will win.

I'm worried about my mother hijacking the future event like she did my college graduation party and inviting mass amounts of strangers I've never met. I fear her renting a helicopter and air-dropping flyers alerting the world that her promiscuous daughter is finally getting married.

Please don't posts pictures of The Rock, I can't get all flustered and romance-novel sweaty this early in the morning.

Isn't that some kind of tradition? Am I wrong?

Leave Kermit out of this. He went to school during a time when People of Felt could only dream of a higher education.

Court ordered Chemical Castration. Not taking the dick exactly, but if we couple that procedure with a lobotomy, we can ensure the safety of women until this piece of living Santorum expires.

Sort of OT:

Dog: I’m running away if I don’t get your food! *Bolts out the door*

My best girlfriend and her husband passed on doing the personal vows. Her (pre-wedding) impression of a bride and groom fumbling idiotically over words was adorable. “I knew you were The One the first time we had French fries together....” or something like that.

When I get married I’m keeping a spray bottle, and if I sense any bitchiness curling up the train of whatever horrible dress I am wearing, I will aim it at the coif of whoever is trying to ruin my special day.

Uterus: hey guess what? To make us more efficient, you now have two periods every 6 weeks. That’s TWO chances to get pregnant! And I’m storing up all the water you drink ever, because you never know. Why are you crying? Should I make you more fertile?