These people are the gold standard for those of us who believe wasting food will lead to certain doom.

when I was in the 5th grade, our brand new adopted dog refused to come in the house sometimes. I’m standing at the bus stop before school and some kid comes running up. “Guys! There is some crazy lady in her night gown throwing Bologna at her dog!” Instead of running after our pet, my mom was trying to lure him back…

I'm still pissed about how she treated Aiden.

Trust me, honey, if you reek of bourbon, that's not star in your hair. You passed out at a bonfire and you are on Fire.

Romantic comedies have ruined us all, this is true. We need to look at our own flaws and not just go all "I'm a wild stallion, baby!" when someone is annoyed by us. That being said, settling for "perfectly fine" seems like something leads to affairs and divorce later on down the line.

Someone to sit with, eat with, gives you a home base, along with markings that identify you as part of the group.

I would warn her about a wobbly video game cabinet and when it actually fell on an employee, she defended the cabinet. Sometimes she would drive to the store, sit in her car and read a book, and then leave without ever coming in.

I once had this happen to me on New Years Eve many eons ago, even though I had someone to take my shift, reportedly because I had Christmas Day day off, though I'd still worked the night shift. Burn in hell, BlockBuster.

A friend of mine from Southern France was baffled by the price of pizza in the US. “Its SUPPOSED to be the cheapest!” And also wondered if they were scamming him on the cost of burgers and fries (don’t you tell me no lies, burgers and fries) when he went to sit-down restaurants.

DOES HE KNOW EXCEL???

Why hasn't the rapture swallowed up people like this and left the world to the rest of us?

Everything bad comes out of San Antonio. I am right once again.

Ha, she wishes. Her mother-lorne cries of “Oh I hope I live to see the day” are met with me derisively telling her I will give her out of wedlock gaybies, born of the finest queer sperm in all the land.

As maids of honors and brides maids, our job is to fill the shoes we don’t want our mothers to be in, including getting a little too close to the chubby male stripper who tries really, really hard. I miss you, chunky cowboy man. I miss you.

My mom would be in her diabetic prescription loafers yelling scriptures at me. I'd be all "WHO TOLD MY MAHMMM!".

I have more faith in the American populace for them to NOT vote for Donald Trump. Is his vice president going to be Tom Arnold? Carrot Top maybe?

I needed this pic this morning. HOW DID HE GET SUCH A TINY COMPUTER? DOES IT HAVE WIFI? DOES HE HAVE A TINY MATCHING CUBICLE?

Or 20-somethings wearing light colors and a super sneaky early-bird Aunt Flo. I can't believe I ruined that dress still.

Boss: My kids are selling chickens from their little competition. 10 dollars a piece.

Look just because you want Marco Rubio in his dudefight skivvies (its okay, I'm right there with you).