“Former tight end” is just rubbing it in.

Finally, somebody said it. Nobody cares about your struggles. Maybe don’t live in the antarctic.

Cool as long as you don’t drive it after Labor Day.

“’Fourteen fucking karat gold,’ I swore to myself as I stalked back up the walk to replace the now empty gas can. Fourteen karat gold is what you bought your shitty niece on her thirteenth birthday, not what you used on the interior of a car.”

But seriously Kristen, that dashboard may be 14 karat but these articles are 24 karat every time. FANCYKRISTEN should be a sub-domain, not a tag.

FancyKristen is the best (real) Kristen.

This is why I have the Euro spec rear tail lights so I can use the rear fog lights. I know it’s not a lot of HP on paper, but I can feel it in the seat of my pants.

Wait a minute, every time I brake my car is actually trying to propel me forward...I smell a recall.

the were driven out by the Hassocks

The Ottomans left Serbia long before the Yugo appeared.

chuck wepner disagrees with your fictional boxer (i know i know)

Actually - a lot of us.

Missing jokes something you train for, or does it just come naturally?

I slept in classrooms. Nobody ever treated it like an accomplishment.

Of course he won! The butler keeps putting the ball back on the table in the same exact fuckin’ spot!

When I was barely 16, I got sort of involved with a guy from my school in something that couldn’t be called a “relationship” so much as “friends who have phone sex with each other on the weekends.” We both had Cinemax and would watch the Friday evening softcore while we were on the phone together; even being 16 years…

Bring back Australian Rules Football coverage.

Yeah, unless they’re the same team, then “team that beat my team” is a bit different than “team I actively or passively root against all season long.” If I ever root for the Cowboys/Giants/Washingtons to win anything, the prions have already won in my battle against Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. 

No, no, no. Peanuts are best enjoyed one-by-one. You separate the halves in your mouth, then savor each of the three pieces individually: the radicle first, and then each half.

Ever since the article about the yacht ("Do you like my red skirt? I like my red skirt." and “I told him to wear his boat shoes.”), FancyKristen has been my very favorite Jalopnik feature.