Of course he won! The butler keeps putting the ball back on the table in the same exact fuckin’ spot!

When I was barely 16, I got sort of involved with a guy from my school in something that couldn’t be called a “relationship” so much as “friends who have phone sex with each other on the weekends.” We both had Cinemax and would watch the Friday evening softcore while we were on the phone together; even being 16 years…

Bring back Australian Rules Football coverage.

Yeah, unless they’re the same team, then “team that beat my team” is a bit different than “team I actively or passively root against all season long.” If I ever root for the Cowboys/Giants/Washingtons to win anything, the prions have already won in my battle against Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. 

No, no, no. Peanuts are best enjoyed one-by-one. You separate the halves in your mouth, then savor each of the three pieces individually: the radicle first, and then each half.

Skerrvy, you meant.

Regarding the Lotus, pretty sure it’s a Hambo, dude.

This is why you check for Mustangs on board before going to the local Boats ‘n’ Beverages…

You’re my COTD. I don’t care what the others say. Bone-in is the only way.

I’m sure they’d be the ones to use salt cured ham. That way the hamotor mounts can rust before it even gets to the shipping container.

Slightly behind Bill Chapel’s woodworking accident.

I smashed my favorite Baccarat glass when I heard that. “Pick that up!” I shouted at the servant about to bring me another. I wasn’t even sure if he spoke English. “With your fingers!”

I do believe the Mantle of Demuro has been passed. I love everything she writes.

Fancykristen is turning into one of my favorite sub-blogs.

PATRICK GEORGE I demand more Kristen deadpan comedy (please). Bloody hilarious.

Ever since the article about the yacht ("Do you like my red skirt? I like my red skirt." and “I told him to wear his boat shoes.”), FancyKristen has been my very favorite Jalopnik feature.

This is Fancy Kristen. Nothing about Jason is fancy.

For the record, I don’t buy a single second of this article. Because of this:

And then you crashed down to earth, all your hopes and dreams ground into dust, when you realized that there was someone out there with a RM 50-03 Tourbillon Split Seconds Chronograph Ultralight McLaren F1 with MSO customization, which was even lighter, more accurate and more exclusive. What’s the point, you thought,…

I was personally killed in no fewer than 4 crashes in RWD cars before the invention of traction control. 3 of those were while pulling out of the dealership. The 4th was in the dealer's lot before I even put the key in the ignition. I just sat down in the drivers seat and the back end stepped out and killed me.